Raising a two year old is such a wild ride. The other day my son started his morning with an explosive hug, then promptly rejected the blueberry muffins he had claimed as his very loved a week ago. By the time we had finished breakfast, the daily battle of getting our shoes on was still ahead!
Sometimes I feel like I'm playing emotional ping pong with my child. And this can be difficult for both me and him to deal with.
According to a child psychologist, rapidly changing feelings and challenging behavior correspond to the developmental level of children from one to three years old. Roger Harrison. This is a way to build your child's self-esteem and understanding of their place in the world.
But for parents they can often be a source of frustration, he says. When these emotions lead to tantrums and power struggles, it's easy for us adults to lose our patience.
Reframing the process of pushing your baby's boundaries as a means of social and emotional learning can bring some relief, says Harrison, chief of child and adolescent psychiatry at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.
“When we understand the 'why' of a behavior and place it in the appropriate developmental context, it allows parents to step away from the emotions and approach the behavior strategically,” he says.
Harrison and other child development experts answer questions about common toddler behavior and give tips on how to respond to situations.
Why does my baby… say “NO!” To everything, even what they like?
“It's normal for your baby to be stubborn at this stage of development,” says Harrison. In addition to developing lightning-fast language, cognitive and motor skills, they are just beginning to understand that they are a unique individual, separate from their caregivers. With this new awareness comes the need to test boundaries in order to gain independence.
“Part of the process of figuring out who I am is learning to me against all the things in the world,” he says.
So if your baby tells you a loud “NO!” to his favorite popsicle or a book before bed, he may actually be trying to improve his newly discovered self-awareness. His “no” can be translated as “Look at this, mommy! Now I’m a man with my own opinions and opinions!”
⭐ Advice for parents: What do you do if you need your child to say yes to things like brushing their teeth, getting into their car seat, or leaving the playground?
Model a calm response, and then kindly but firmly tell them what happens next, says Jamie Glowackiparenting and potty training trainer and author Oh damn! I have a baby. You can say: Yes, we need to leave the playground. You can either go down the slide again and come out with me, or I can carry you out right now.
Why does my baby… say that everything is “mine”?
In the land of toddlers, “the rules of ownership are different,” Harrison says. “If it's mine, then it's my. If it's yours and I if you want it, it’s mine too.”
According to Harrison, when a child begins to develop his or her individuality and independence, they often try to control their environment through ownership. This helps them understand themselves and their attachments to the world.
For example: my mom has black hair, so I have black hair. My sister has a cool toy and I have a cool toy. I'm a kid with black hair and a cool toy! My, my, my! By making statements like these, your baby can test the boundaries of his environment to better define who he is.
So, if your little one claims that every book in the library belongs to her, or refuses to share even hers least her date's favorite toy—don't worry about it, says Harrison. She's not being selfish, she's just showing a newfound sense of self-worth.
⭐ Advice for parents: If you want your child to share, model and then practice the behavior, says the preschool teacher. Chazz Lewis. For example, after an argument about toys with another child on the playground, teach your toddler to ask for a turn by persistently holding out your hand and saying, “Turn around, please,” he says. Do a few practice rounds before sending them back to play.
Why does my baby… want to lick/break/crawl into everything?
Does your little one love to spill every container they can get their hands on, lick the colorful wallpaper, or jump around your living room like it's a life-size pinball machine?
They might just be trying to get some sensory information about the world around them, he says. Lane Deiling Cherlandlongtime early childhood educator turned content creator that focuses on adult-toddler behavioral dynamics.
For them, every action and interaction is a chance to gather more data about themselves and how things work. “What am I and what is not me? What impact am I making on the world? That's the point of all these experiments,” says Deiling Cherland.
They may also crave proprioceptive stimulation, such as the deep pressure they get from a tight hug or the strength buildup from climbing play equipment, she says.
Babies crave these sensory experiences in part because they develop their internal sense of position and movement, which is important for coordination, balance and even self-regulation.
⭐ Advice for parents: “As long as she's safe, let your little one explore the world,” says Dayling Cherland. Embracing weirdness and silliness can be an opportunity for connection and the key to ending power struggles.
Make an obstacle course with pillows and stuffed animals to get the zoom out, then race through it together. Place new or favorite snacks on individual plates and challenge your picky eater to play a blind taste test game.
Why does my baby…keep doing things I've told him not to do 100 times?
No running around the kitchen! I said don't run around the kitchen! You have 10 seconds to stop running around the kitchen or you'll be in big trouble, missy!
“If you're repeating yourself a lot with your baby, you've probably already lost control of the situation,” says Glowacki.
According to Lewis, in terms of comprehension, the average toddler has not yet grasped the concept of denial. So when you say Not run to the kitchen, your child will most likely understand from this sentence: run in the kitchen.
More importantly, simply tell your child that you Not “Wanting them to do something doesn’t give them any tools to be successful in the future,” he says.
⭐ Advice for parents: Instead of telling the baby what he is doing wrong“Teach them how to solve a problem or what they should do instead,” Lewis says. If you want your child to stop running around the kitchen, you can say, “Walk slowly around the kitchen.” Or maybe “please walk slowly and carefully on the tile floor to avoid getting hurt.”
“Now there's a chance they'll actually do something different this time,” Lewis says.
Why does my baby… hate changing activities?
Wake up! Change your clothes! Eat breakfast! Toddlers are bossed around all day, often understanding little and saying even less in their daily schedule.
While toddlers enjoy routine and consistency, moving from one task to another can be frustrating, Glowacki said. Loss of continuity can cause anxiety, especially when they are immersed in activities that give them a sense of comfort and independence, such as playing or bathing. These moments are also one of the few parts of the world she can influence, so the loss of control can be felt acutely.
Add in hunger, sleepiness, overstimulation—everyday factors that can cause stress in anyone else—and these transitional periods can become triggers for unstable emotions and tantrums, she says.
⭐ Advice for parents: “The next time your little one gets mad about the transition from playtime to dinner, try to remember that this is a huge change for him,” says Glowacki.
Give her some power back by offering two positive options, Lewis says. For example: Blue plate or purple plate? Juice or milk? This gives her freedom but allows you to safely guide her where she needs to go.
“The goal of the early years is to give the child manageable pieces of personal power that he can practice with,” says Dayling Cherland. “We want them to practice enough so that when they become young adults going out into the world, they know, ‘This is how I make decisions. My decisions do affect other people.” “
The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib and art directed by Bec Harlan. We'd like to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at [email protected].
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