Editor note: Jan Kerner He is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and participant in the topic of relations for CNN. He is the author of the guide for steam: “So tell me about the last time you had sex.”
CNN
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Many heterosexual male clients enter my practice, recognizing that they chose their partner without considering sexual attraction.
For Couples sessions of therapy With his partner in the room, a person claims that he does not know why he does not feel desire. Maybe this is stress, Low testosterone Or I feel the alarm.
But when I meet him individually, he often tells another story. He tells me that he chose his partner, without placing priority Sexual attractionField
Why did a person choose a potential partner in life without feeling a spark of sexual attraction? And can this relationship survive and prosper? Is it possible to ensure that something like a sexual attraction that was not, first of all, will be grown later?
I talked with many men at the age of 30, who told me: “When I found a woman I want to get married, she checked all the boxes. With the exception of one. ”
The characteristics on this list include “to be my best friend”, “make an amazing mother”, “our friends and families get along so well” and “she really loves me.” The only box that was not marked? Sexual attraction – and often men did not even list this quality to start.
I was stunned.
Sexuality is the only thing that really distinguishes a romantic relationship from the Platonic: I believe that this is one type of “adhesive of relationships” that helps pairs stay together in difficult times. That is why I am puzzled by the fact that so many people depreciate sex in choosing a partner for long -term relationships.
“Studies show that, although physical attractiveness is usually one of the most important features that people wish a romantic partner, in fact this does not exceed the list for men or women, ”said Dr. Justin LehmillerResearcher at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, a research center dedicated to sexuality. “Such features as intelligence, humor, honesty and kindness, often, at least, are just as important if not more.”
Some men learned “either/or” views on women: those who make great wives and mothers, and those who are sexually entrepreneurial, according to a sex-therapist from Chicago Dr. Elizabeth Perry.
“I watched this with patients with men who are in the world of dating and feel pressure to choose someone, who they perceive as“ wife’s material ”, but without sexual attraction, instead of waiting for a partner who is better than emotionally and sexually,” Perry told me.
This is what you need to fall in love (2014)
A good floor can help protect against psychological stress, including anxiety and depression, helps pairs achieve a deeper connection and improve the satisfaction of relations.
“If relations are food, the sexual part should be considered an integral part of it, such as protein, instead of a frivolous part, such as a dessert,” says Eve Dillon, sex -therapist based in New York.
“In my experience, women can develop the desire for a partner with significant efforts, but if a person does not have the desire of his partner at the beginning of the relationship, he will never wish her,” Dillon told me. Why count on sexual attraction when you can prioritize in a partner and enjoy the advantages from the very beginning? ”
Nevertheless, the lower levels of sexual attraction are not always a problem for couples, said the sexologist Dr. Ivonn Fulbright.
“For some people, the lack of sexual attraction can lead to infidelity or divorce. For others, the lack of sexual attraction becomes a problem only when someone hints at social expectations regarding sex and desire, ”said Fulbright, which is an adjunct of the proofessor at the University of American University at Washington, the District of Columbia.
“Great pressure is pairs to maintain active sexual life, and hot.
Some of my -therapists are warned of paying too much attention to the importance of immediate sexual attraction.
“We have an erroneous idea that we should physically attract someone when we first meet or not the potential of relations. This is just not true, ”said the sex -therapist Dr. Rachel Igol. “Attraction can grow when you learn someone and experience increased proximity and connection.”
What should you do if you and your partner do not have enough sexual couples? Or, if you want to turn on the heat on a relationship with which there was nothing, why was there?
Fulbrait warned from giving any wide advice. “Only partners can find out how the best way to deal with this challenge in their relationship,” she said.
“Non -imminent can work for someBut not others. The couples must decide How to be honest with each otherHow much this issue is the divider of the transaction, remaining together compared to no, and how much weight should be given to this issue in the light of other good things that they have for them, ”she added by e -mail.
Do not feel that everything is lost if you are in long -term relationships. For some couples, sexual desire can grow over time if they are focused on it. “Often for 30 years we have become comfortable enough to ask about what we want in bed,” Dillon said.
But I refuse to agree with everyone who thinks that married couples will still stop having sex, so why disturb the priorities of sexual attraction.
“Many couples aged 50 years can explore and expand their sexuality due to maturity and empty nests. For couples at the age of 60, 70s and older, which can expand their definition of sex outside orgasm and joint creation of proximity, sex can continue to be bright and rich, ”added Dillon by e-mail.
And keep in mind that your sexual health is a barometer of your general health. So, if you really experience an inexplicable decline in sexual interest, think about talking with your medical worker. Maybe your testosterone level has really fallen.
Whatever the source of the lack of sexual interest, just be advanced with your partner. Honesty, as it turned out, can be turned on (after all).
