You may have heard the phrase DARVO recently. You may have seen the spectators Love Island United Kingdom discussing whether show contestants use it, or activists talking about how often famous men accused of abusing women use it as a deflection tactic. For example, journalist and former senior adviser to President Bill Clinton Sidney Blumenthal: argued that Donald Trump is using it to successfully manipulate situations in his favor. But DARVO isn't just happening on our screens or in Hollywood. This is an extremely common occurrence in everyday life, and it is important to understand what it is and how to spot it.
Terms like “gaslighting” has fully entered our lexicon, but DARVO, which is often associated with gaslighting and is just as common, is a less recognized tactic used in emotional abuse. This can happen in romantic relationships, with family and friends, and even at work. And if you don't know what to look for, it's easy to miss.
so what is DARVO?
This term means Denial, Attack, Reverse Victim and Violator. A psychologist came up with this Jennifer Freudand it describes a situation where a person accused of harmful behavior immediately denies it, attacks the person confronting them, and then shifts the blame to themselves as the true victim in the situation. According to Freud, this occurs “when the truly guilty criminal takes on the role of the 'falsely accused' and questions the authority of the accuser and accuses the accuser of being the perpetrator of the false accusation.”
It might sound like this:
“Why are you always trying to make me the bad guy?”
“I never hit you, I just pushed you away when you were being dramatic.”
“You’re so sensitive, it’s like there’s nothing I can do around you.”
“You make me feel so bad. I don't even want to talk to you anymore.”
-You insult me too.
For those who experience this kind of abuse, over time it can destroy your reality. Victims usually begin to question whether what they experienced was real and begin to place blame on themselves – which is precisely the goal of the person using DARVO for manipulation.
There have been fictional depictions of DARVO, even if it was not explicitly stated as such. As in Big little lies, for example, Perry Wright's character reverses it every time Celeste screams about his violence. First, he denies that he harmed her. He then accuses her of provoking him. Finally, he becomes the one who suffers. “I’m only like this because I love you so much.” This is a DARVO textbook.
We see this in Youwhere Joe Goldberg constantly manipulates women into believing that he is just a misunderstood romantic, even as his behavior becomes controlling and abusive. He denies, attacks, rethinks. Again and again.
DARVO can occur outside of domestic abuse and violence. Like when your partner cheatshe gets caught and then he says something like, “You've been so cold lately, what did you expect?” Or when you argue with a friend about a line he's crossed and he responds, “Wow, I guess I'm just a terrible person then.” Suddenly you are the one doing damage control, even if they have harmed you.
Those associated with Everyone is inviteda charity dedicated to exposing and eradicating rape culture with empathy, compassion and understanding has seen DARVO all too often. This was announced by a representative of the charity organization. Glamor UK, “At Everyone's Invited, in reviewing thousands of testimonies, we often see DARVO as a recurring tactic used by abusers when faced with allegations of abuse. It begins with denial, followed by personal attacks on the survivor, and ends with the abuser identifying themselves as the true victim.”
