Trust will take time to rebuild – Chicago Tribune

Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. He has three siblings and seems to be the forgotten one. His mother and siblings always collect money and send it for each other's birthdays. Last year and the year before they did this for everyone's birthday except my husband.

He was very upset about this, but didn't say anything.

This year, his mom asked him and his siblings to send money to give to another sibling for his birthday. Of course, my husband sent me the money.

I'm tired of my husband being a part of every birthday party and then being ignored. I would like to speak up and say something, but I'm not sure it's my place as a son-in-law. I'm just trying to figure out if there is a good way to let them know how hurtful this is or if there is a way to refuse to send money since my husband is excluded.

I would like to add that they all get along great and are close, so I don't understand why he is always passed over. His mom told one of her friends not to send us anything because we make too much money and don't need it. Our income is middle/near middle class for the state we live in. We are not rich and one of his siblings makes more money than us. I'm upset about this whole situation and would appreciate your advice on how to deal with it.

– Tired of exceptions

Dear Well-Fed: It sounds like your husband could use a lawyer and your family could use some help communicating. You can start riding both by taking the reins. Gather people for your husband's birthday. You can even tell his mother and siblings, “I noticed that this is a family tradition and I think it makes him feel left out if he doesn't get anything for his birthday, so I decided to start an organization in his name this year. It will mean a lot.”

Other family members may understand your point of view and be happy to intervene. Or they may protest, and this is where the money conversation may come up, giving you a chance to correct their misconception. Besides, if they don't want to give money, there's probably some other way to attract him.

Ultimately, from your point of view, it is not so much about the money as it is about the feeling of love. Be guided by this, and it may help your husband's mother and siblings open their eyes and perhaps their wallets.

Dear Eric: My best friend, whom I've been dating for 40 years, and I had a fight last year. Before that, we shared a lot of experiences – vacations, holidays, family gatherings. I don't know what exactly the reason was as she and her husband retired and moved to another part of the country after selling their very valuable property.

This friend was like a sister to me and I was crushed by her ghosting and punishing me and my family who loved her too. I sought counseling to figure out my role in this breakup and gained some clarity.

Some things are beyond our control and people make decisions that suit them in the moment. But I was in terrible pain, and I accepted the breakup.

I liked her message and she reached out to me and asked, “Does this mean we can be friends?” I replied that it was possible. But I don't trust her anymore and I don't want to initiate something that will come back to haunt me later.

How do I navigate this? It was much easier when there were no expectations and no contact.

– I wonder what the next step should be?

Dear Surprise: Perhaps there is a clue in her answer. One way to read her question is: “Does this mean we can be friends?” – suggests that she does not consider herself a ghost and, perhaps, understands the quarrel and both of your reactions to it differently. Of course, it is possible that she is being disingenuous, so proceed with caution. But with clear communication and expectations, you can both choose where and how to start the friendship again.