A A man named “Rod Kissmi” claims to have “very strong sperm.” This may seem like an eccentric boast for a Facebook profile page, but this is not an ordinary corner of the Internet. The group in which Rod and other men advertise themselves is a community where, in many cases, women and couples come to fulfill a lifelong dream: becoming parents.
There are a growing number of online sperm donor groups on social media. They offer people the opportunity to raise children in an unregulated, dangerous, but surprisingly simple way.
Membership of groups such as Sperm Donors UK, Start a Family Here and Get Your Baby Dust Here! are thriving. This is partly due to the prohibitive cost of the official route – through a clinic regulated by the Human Fertilization and Embryology Authority (HFEA).
For those who play by the rules, the costs can easily reach tens of thousands of pounds, especially if they don't get pregnant on the first try.
Long delays and shortages of donors from certain religious or ethnic groups also force many to resort to unregulated means.
Selling sperm for profit is illegal in the UK donors are only allowed to receive compensation for legitimate expenses. And the illegal route is associated with significant risks.
There are many posts in the groups from women who describe their bad experiences. One woman in a same-sex relationship said they met with their donor to secure sperm deposits but discovered he wouldn't go through with the deal unless the couple showed him their breasts.
Even more alarming are the responses, many of which tell the couple they should have gone to a sperm bank if they didn't want to have a threesome with the donor. There seems to be little time for sensitivity in the competitive world of online sperm trading.
Hastily arranged online sperm donations could easily lead to family court proceedings, with judges warning of the dangers of such special deals. Recently, Guardian investigation into Robert AlbonAn unregulated donor who claims to have 180 children worldwide said he has begun seeking access to his offspring through the courts in England and Wales. The situation became a “horror story” for the women who paid for his donations.
Felicity (not her real name), 39, divorced, has one child and wants another, joined Start a Family Here five or six years ago.
“My daughter had IVF for male infertility – it was a terrible experience, so although money wasn't an issue, I didn't want to go through it again,” she says.
When she first joined the group, it was “pretty quiet, just a few posts a week from people looking for a donor.”
That began to change a couple of years ago when media coverage led to an influx of new members.
“Suddenly, thousands of young women aged 18 to 25 joined us, and membership grew to 10,000 within a year. Anonymous posting began to become the norm, and women rushed in without any research, asking for donations at the last minute,” she adds.
Recent messages include one from an 18-year-old woman hoping to get pregnant, one from someone asking for a donor with “a lot of girls” and a slew of people asking for urgent donations.
“Need donor help tonight,” says one message from a woman who is ovulating and was “let down” by a donor. Others are asking for donations “this weekend.”
Felicity describes the younger members as “very immature and selfish.” She says many appear to have mental health problems: she has seen messages from women saying they have tried to commit suicide along with those seeking a donor, while some are “desperate to have a child, but this seems to be a solution to their own family trauma.”
The donors appear to be significantly older than the recipients – most are between 35 and 50 – so “there is a huge opportunity for them to exploit and manipulate young women,” says Felicity.
One common tactic that is often warned about in these communities is that men will coerce women into sex by telling those who want to use “artificial insemination” via a syringe or syringe that intercourse is more successful in achieving pregnancy, which is not true.
Sex, euphemistically called “natural fertilization” in these groups, is not the preferred method for most women, and yet recipients who desperately want to become pregnant can be persuaded to allow their boundaries to be crossed.
Many of the posts in the groups are written by people who will donate only through sex or through a method they call “partial insemination,” in which the donor's penis is inserted just before ejaculation.
In one post, a man complaining about the rudeness of recipients says he will no longer donate except through natural insemination, while many, such as a young Russian donor, simply write something like: “NOT [natural insemination] free method, AI [artificial insemination] method for the sake of money.”
According to Felicity, a significant problem is that Facebook's algorithm promotes groups of people it believes have similar interests.
“One swinger joins a sperm donor group and Facebook advertises it to all his friends on Big Women for Sore Losers,” she jokes. “These guys are hiding in the background, sending private messages to new members and sending [dick pics]ending with conversations with women about the process.
“Some go so far as to appear sincere and arrange a meeting, but for them it is nothing more than a fantasy. Women who get involved fall into the trap of scammers and scammers.”
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The Guardian understands that Facebook is now investigating the content in these groups.
While sexual violence and harassment are common, there are also risks of serious sexually transmitted diseases, hidden genetic disorders, and having a child with someone to whom you may be legally bound for life.
James McDougall was named Family Court Judge of the Year 2022 after donating sperm, knowing that he is a carrier of the genetic disorder Fragile X Syndrome, which can cause a wide range of problems, including learning disabilities and cognitive impairment in children.
Donors are not spared from problems and pain: men who advertise their services can face a barrage of personal insults, especially about their appearance.
Under photos of a man in his 50s with curly, dyed black hair, commenters wrote: “You're knocking out the Gary Glitter clones,” “Fred West looks more like Frank East,” and “God don't let him breed 🤣.”
Felicity says: “Recipients treat (men) like sperm vending machines, requiring them to just turn up when they need them, in most cases make all the trips, give a sample and then disappear, never to be heard from again.
“They live in a fantasy world where they pretend the donor doesn't exist and they don't care that the child might have different feelings about it.”
Younger, more traditionally handsome men tend to be very popular. These fertile donors can quickly become minor celebrities in the sperm donation universe.
Men in their 20s and 30s, especially from the United States, travel the world to make money selling sperm. They also make money from influencer content on Instagram and TikTok by uploading videos about their lives and advising women on how to get pregnant.
German influential sperm donor Daniel Bayenwho recently visited the UK is one such influencer. The 25-year-old's videos, filmed around the world, preach openness and transparency about how to become a fertile donor. He answers follower questions and talks about the relationships he forms with the families he donates money to and the “pride” he feels when he sees photos of his biological children – although he won't say how many he has.
Bayen was conceived with the help of a sperm donor and has about 30 half-siblings. He says he uses a homemade “sibling registry” to keep track of his biological children and has a Facebook group where parents can meet.
Whether Bayen's approach is ethical is hotly debated in groups, and he and others like him are criticized for leaving a trail of possibly hundreds of legally untraceable siblings and thousands of cousins.
It's an issue often ignored by adults in these communities who are so eager to have a child: a tangled genetic backstory that their children will have to unravel later in life if they want to know where they came from. This is especially true if they do not want to risk having sexual relations with a close biological relative, which poses a real risk, especially when the recipient families live close to each other.
In one of the saddest posts on a UK sperm donor group, one woman asks about her child's potential siblings.
“How can I find out about other babies born from his sperm?” she asks. “Apparently there is no sperm bank with information available, since I found one here. I could write to him, but I really don't want to. Is there another way to find other families?”
She adds: “Any advice is welcome, I know there were 10 families in total and I think we all conceived in the same year, also I remember him saying there was one woman who was expecting twins.”
More than a dozen respondents say variations of the same thing: “It’s impossible.”
