These 4 Words Can Defuse Any Awkward Situation

When something so awkward happens that you can only stare at the ground, hoping it will open up and swallow you up, saving you from cowering, the best thing you can do is… draw more attention to it. Yes, indeed.

It means saying those four words: “Well, that was awkward!” Or: “It was, of course, fair!” According to Jenny Shields, a psychologist in Houston, you not only acknowledge the inappropriate or uncomfortable comment and frame it as something positive (the truth), but you also signal your desire to change the conversation. This approach works in all scenarios: farting in polite company, blurting out an “I love you” that catches the recipient off guard, an enthusiastic wave back to someone who was actually greeting the person behind you, showing someone a photo of a cat on your phone and accidentally swiping to a nude, and any other missteps you can conjure up in the darkest corners of your mind.

“We think if we ignore this problem, it will go away,” she adds. “But when you ignore it, it's like holding your breath. And with just a few words, you can release that tension so everyone around you can take a deep breath, too.”

Universal phenomenon

No one is immune to the full-body tremors caused by awkwardness, including the high-performing professionals Shields works with. “They can handle a boardroom, they can make life-and-death decisions, but if you put them in awkward silence, they'll squirm and want to disappear,” she says. “How universal it is—everyone feels it.”

There is a biological explanation for how excruciatingly awkward situations feel. According to Shields, it's human nature to want to adapt, so when you say something that doesn't come across the way you expected, your brain goes into a danger zone. “Your body doesn't necessarily know the difference between being chased by a lion and blurting out something really nasty at dinner,” she says. “It feels like a threat to your body, so your heart is racing and you want to disappear.” That's why you physically react the same way you would in any other threatening situation—whether you said an embarrassing thing or your secondary embarrassment is so strong that you might as well have done it.

Read more: What to say if you forgot someone's name

The key to relieving tension is to speak up and acknowledge what just happened so that it is no longer the elephant in the room. “Awkwardness lives in silence,” Shields says. “The natural inclination is to hide or bury himself, but the second you can call it out – with a little humor and empathy – you disarm him.”

Channel your inner comedian

Humor is one of the best antidotes to awkwardness. In the worst moments, the stakes seem very high, and this emotional intensity can cause you to exaggerate the importance of what happened. “Humor helps minimize and normalize the true level of importance of this fleeting moment in a person's life,” says Seth Meyers, a psychologist (not comedian) in Los Angeles.

To help everyone feel at ease, start laughing, he says, and at an appropriate comedic moment, announce, “And… the stage!” You can also choose to smile: “Anyone else upset?!” or “I suggest taking a few deep breaths.”

If you still feel awkward even after laughing, practice positive self-talk, Meyers says. You might, for example, repeat to yourself, “This too shall pass,” “I'm not the only one who's ever had this happen to,” or “I wouldn't be human if I didn't have the occasional awkward moment.”

Give others (or yourself) a way out.

Even if you're just an inconvenient bystander in an awkward situation, you can give the person at the center a “life raft,” Shields says.

One of her favorite ways to do this: If a coworker accidentally calls the entire office over a personal email, rush out of your office, smile and say, “Thanks for saving us from small talk!” This flips the script, turning discomfort into a gift, making the person who said the embarrassing thing feel less vulnerable. You can also choose: “We've all been there,” which will make it a shared experience, or “Let's just pretend it didn't happen.” Cheerful “Well! Whatever!” You can also change the conversation into a light-hearted tone – of course, to the great gratitude of the person you are saving.