Depending on who you ask, now is the time to be funny or curious. Holiday get-togethers are like catnip for friends and family members who only see each other once a year and are sure not to miss the chance to answer their most burning questions.
“We're all naturally curious about what's going on with people and what's going on in their lives, and this can lead us to ask questions that we think are small talk, but actually tap into really painful struggles that people are going through,” says Rebecca Love, a therapist in Fair Oaks, California. “Our holiday gatherings should be about warmth, connection, fun and love, and some issues can be traps that cause harm, pain and ultimately shame and disconnection.”
We asked GPs what questions they're asking people to skip this holiday season and why.
-Have you finally met anyone?
It's usually okay to ask your niece if she's seeing anyone in a kind and nonjudgmental tone. It's less normal to say it like this: “You're dating someone. already? Or: “Have you finally met someone?”
“The important point here is that it is not the question itself, but the affect that accompanies the question,” says Esther Perel, a psychotherapist who hosts a popular couples therapy podcast. Where should we start? “The tone essentially conveys the meaning of the question, and it’s no longer a question—it’s a veiled criticism or a not-so-veiled put-down.”
Read more: 10 Things to Say When Someone Asks Why You're Still Single
Avoid any questions that single someone out in a way that might make them feel vulnerable or uncomfortable, she advises. It's better to focus on topics of conversation that everyone can think about, rather than on prying questions driven by your own curiosity.
“Did you vote for such and such?”
This is another statement (or accusation) disguised as a question. “They probably already know who you voted for,” Perel says. “It's essentially saying, 'I don't agree with this' or 'I have some thoughts about this.'
The best approach is to give up your opinions about politics right at the front door. Questions like these can easily seem like a way to provoke family members rather than having a meaningful conversation. “Is this really the moment you want Grandpa Joe to realize he’s a bigot?” Love asks. “Or do you want to just leave it for another time because everyone is enjoying Christmas dinner?”
“When are you two going to have a baby/get married/settle down?”
People are increasingly postponing marriage or choosing to have cats instead of children. This may be contrary to how older generations in particular view the expected chain of milestones in someone's life. If you can't wrap your head around the fact that your granddaughter is happy without a ring 10 years after they met? Keep it to yourself.
“It's a different way of life that moves away from our traditional idea of what direction a relationship should go,” Love says. “Unless someone volunteers that information, it’s none of your business.”
Read more: 13 things to say when someone asks why you haven't had a baby yet
Also keep in mind that your friends or family members may be facing painful problems conceiving. Asking them about the due date of the baby they might want more than anything else can easily hit you in the gut. “If you're trying to create a spirit of togetherness and warmth and happiness at a holiday gathering,” she says, “this isn't going to make it any easier.” Instead, focus on asking your family members what makes them happy, which can naturally shed light on these personal topics.
“Have you lost/gained weight?”
Thanks for noticing, Grandma Agnes, and making sure everyone else did too. There are many reasons why someone's weight may have changedand they are not all positive. “It's someone's body and personal space, and you're crossing the line,” says Nicole Osequeda, a therapist in Chicago. “We don't want to comment on someone's appearance, but you can comment on their spirit or the energy they give off, like, 'Oh, I see the sparkle in your eyes.'
“You look tired. Is everything okay?”
This is another unwelcome form of commenting on someone's appearance and an easy way to make them feel uncomfortable. What if they had a great night's sleep the night before and think they look fantastic? “If you tell them they look tired, they'll feel pretty gross,” Osequeda says. “Or they might be staying up late looking for work or crying because their ex-fiancé is no longer here.” You get nothing by reporting their supposed exhaustion.
“If you genuinely care about someone, talk to them one-on-one rather than yelling at them across the dinner table,” she adds. It's best if you ask general questions and ask them things like what they've been up to lately, which will create space for them to share information without forcing them to do so.
-Have you seen dad lately?
It's best to avoid getting into sensitive family drama during supposedly festive holiday get-togethers, including asking family members if they've seen or talked to someone with whom you know they have a difficult relationship. Questions like these can reopen old wounds and quickly lead to confrontation and discomfort. “They make you the third person in the triangle,” Perel says. “By definition, you will find yourself loyal to one [person] and disloyalty to another.”
Read more: How to reconnect with the people you care about
Such sensitive topics are often best dealt with in private. Instead, Perel prefers to focus on issues that unite. Some of her favorites: “What are you grateful for this year?” “What threshold have you crossed in the last year?” And: “What does it mean to you to get together with your family or group of friends every year? If we didn't get together like this anymore, what would you miss that was really special to you when we get together?”
“Why don’t you drink?”
More and more people are giving up alcohol for a variety of reasons, so try not to ask your second cousin why she drinks soda and not liquor. “I think it speaks to our internal insecurities about our drinking habits and the need to get people around us to normalize it by engaging in the same behavior,” Love says. “The most important thing people should think about when they ask this question is: 'What's going on with you?' Why is this information about this person so important to you?”
“You look different! Are you done with your work?”
Medical procedures are a personal matter. Also, keep in mind that plastic surgery is not always elective—sometimes it is the result of health problems.
“[Plastic surgery] “It's not automatically vanity,” Love says. “We might be trying to start a conversation, but because we don't have all the information, it can come across as judgmental and condescending, and it's just not helpful.” Stick to the golden rule: Never comment on someone's appearance, she adds, instead focusing on strengths and other personality traits you admire.
“How much did it cost?”
You might be desperate to know how much that fancy new phone costs and how your nephew can afford it, but save the money talk for the game of Monopoly after dinner. “Anything that has to do with money can go wrong,” Osequeda says. “Questions like these seem judgmental and aggressive, and they put someone on the spot, and then they feel like they need to talk about their finances or justify spending a certain amount,” she advises. You're better off asking about their favorite moments or accomplishments of the year rather than prying into financial reports. “If someone wants to share, they will,” she says. “Otherwise it’s better not to raise this issue.”
– So what are you doing now?
Job-related issues can seem daunting, especially considering how many people are being laid off or trying to find new opportunities. It's a sensitive topic, Osequeda says, so it's best to stick to open-ended questions: “What's been worrying you lately?” Or: “What are you waiting for?” If someone wants to talk about their work, they will, she says.
It is also advisable to avoid asking questions that may seem disparaging of someone's work or personality. For example: “Still doing that little business of yours?” Or: “You Really happy doing this?” As Osequeda says, “Who are they to judge whether it is big or small, what importance or value it has to you?”
Read more: How to respond to insults, according to therapists
If you're wondering whether a question is too intrusive, Osequeda likes to use this guiding principle. “We go into these conversations to build rapport, and we connect with people with warmth, with appropriate curiosity, with reading their body language, rather than interrogating people or making them feel small,” she says.
Want to know what to say in a difficult social situation? E-mail [email protected]
