The ‘magic’ of walking with grief : NPR

Grief can cause some people to lock themselves at home.

But in Northampton, Massachusetts, once a week on warm and cool days, a group of mourners gathers outside. Most join the group after the death of a spouse, but some come to remember a sibling, parent or child.

Maureen Cahillane, 91, was walking with a cane in a local park with about two dozen other people.

Cahillane's husband, James, died more than two years ago. Speaking to another walker, she said there are times when she feels lonely and empty.

“This group helps me a lot,” she said. “Just knowing that other people are suffering from the same sadness.”

It's more of a stroll than a stroll—slow enough for people to turn toward each other as they talk.

“This is not an exercise group,” Shelley Beth Lenn warns walkers as they gather in a circle next to a park bench before setting off. “Slow down for those behind.”

Lenn, a grief counselor at Cooley Dickinson Hospital, leads various groups for grieving people, including an art group and a book group.

But in a walking group, “they talk, talk, talk,” Lenn said, without any encouragement from her. “That’s when the magic happens.”

Sometimes the conversation is light-hearted, like the latest news on the Red Sox or memories of meatballs his mother used to make. Other times, emotions can be intense, such as when remembering what a loved one went through shortly before they died.

“They share experiences that most of them feel they can’t share with anyone else,” Lenn said.

The group breaks into pairs and trios, walking along wide paths that wind around gardens and open park areas.

Cahillane was out with Jill Mendez, whose partner Patrick died almost four years ago.

“Grief is more like melancholy now,” Mendez said.

“It never goes away,” Cahillane chimed in.

“It’s always with you,” Mendez agreed. “It almost becomes part of your anatomy.”

Helena Donovan, whose husband died more than two years ago, says the walk lifts her spirits.

“I sat around too much. And it gets me up and keeps me moving, and I always feel better when I move,” Donovan said.

Three women and a dog walk ahead. As they walk, the conversation deepens and flows. Elaine Beaudoin said walking nearby rather than sitting face to face helps people talk.

A big theme is how the passage of time changes grief. On this day, Beaudoin wondered: “What will happen next?”

“The first year you are in the throes of it all. But the second year is: “Well, this is my life now, what am I going to do with it? Am I moving forward? Should I just sit here? – she said. “The silence in the house gets pretty loud.”

Sometimes they tell each other about small moments that cut through the pain of their loss.

“I wake up in the morning and, you know, I reach out my hand and it's not there,” Roger Brown said, remembering his wife Jean.

The group meets all year round. Watching the seasons change is healing for some.

“Being outside distracts you. Sometimes we are so focused on our pain, but when you are outside, you go. It kind of helps,” said Diana, who asked that only her middle name be used because many in her community don’t know she’s grieving.

She said the conversations can be deep. Her husband Philip was the man she went out with. He died almost a year ago.

“It’s therapy,” she said. “But it’s also hard because I can’t walk with him anymore.”

So now she walks with other mourners. They keep each other company; move and talk it will be easier for you to open up and feel understood.