Dessert week is the silliest week, at least conceptually. Cake week, Biscuit weekAnd Bread week it all makes sense, but there could be something for dessert week in any of these weeks. How is this week different from others? What do these baked goods have in common? Why should all these baked goods be featured during Dessert Week and not at any other time of the competition? This category is too broad and too vague. It's like a village talent show. That talent could be little Susie tap dancing, your neighbor Marty who can make 512 different bird calls even though they all sound the same, or Pam the preacher's wife singing Leonard Cohen's “Hallelujah.” (At every talent show, at least one person sings “Hallelujah,” a song whose public performance should be prohibited by the U.S. Constitution, the Paris Agreement and the Geneva Convention.)
But there is no Susie, Marty or Pam, the preacher's wife, in this competition. Instead, there's golden boy Aaron, World War II pilot Toby, short King Ian, lanky Disney prince Tom and Jasmine, for whom there are no words. Well, at least that's what Noel thinks. The first task is to make Basque cheesecake, which, yes, meets the very vague requirement that it can be eaten for dessert. I don't know about you, but I could probably eat this for breakfast, a main course, a midnight snack, or a post-workout protein. If you think cheesecake is a dessert, you're simply not creative enough or you've never watched a full episode of the show. Golden girls.
The baking itself goes fairly smoothly, except for Toby continuing to fold the white chocolate cream (vom) for the top of his cheesecake. “It’s stressful,” says our tense king, who uttered the same sentence while grocery shopping while watching Celebrity traitorsand take a healthy bath. Ian also has a stressful moment when he tries to move his wobbly cheesecake from the paper to the stand, asking Toby for help. Of all the people you could ask, you ask Toby: “It's squeaky bum time.” [Insert Surname Here]?
Ian's cardamom and orange cheesecake turned out quite nice, but Prue says he added too much zest and it turned bitter. He seems to have “got the point” – a pun that everyone in the tent is so proud of that they keep using it more often than Toby might use some of Parker Posey's words. White Lotus diazepam. Long story short (sorry Ian), the judges didn't like it.
They only really like 'Jasmine' and it looks absolutely gorgeous with a giant mango rose in the center and lots of passion fruit curd underneath. Prue says it's “burnt” like cheesecake should be. Aaron also gets decent marks for his orange cheesecake with plum and sake gel on top, which leads him and Noel to make a long pun about “juicy plums”, which I think they use to refer to the balls, but I don't know – I was dazzled by the desserts.
The losers of this round are Toby and our not-so-perfect Tom, who has to struggle the entire episode, which is strange for such a handsome man. The only thing he has to do is fight them off with a stick and a pun. Toby uses passion fruit and white chocolate (vomit) and marbleizes them, an effect that doesn't fully develop after baking. Although the judges love the baked goods, they think the flavor is underwhelming, with Paul saying it doesn't have enough citrus and Prue saying it's too rich, and I wish I could say that about myself. They both love the faux passion fruit Toby uses to decorate the top, which has passion fruit curd inside white chocolate shells (vomit).
Tom's cheesecake looks amazing. It's all black, black sesame flavored, blackberry on top, and chocolate lemon, tinted black, filled with bright yellow lemon curd that will be the only hint of color when it's cracked. Noel says it's a goth boy's dream and wants to give Tom his first ever Noel Fielding handshake, but when he extends his hand, Paul Hollywood waves his hand away, heads to his Ferrari waiting in the parking lot, and revs the engine for 25 minutes just to assert his authority. While it does look amazing, both judges think the sesame flavor doesn't really come through and that it's much cooler to look at than it is to eat.
I guess it's technically a dessert, but I don't understand these gluten-free orange upside down puddings. First of all, why are they gluten free? Has anyone in the tent suddenly developed a wheat allergy? Henry the cameraman always says, “Ugh, I never get to try anything because I have celiac disease,” so they threw Henry an orange and cardamom flavored bone? And what idiot chef even came up with this recipe? Who thought that a cake isn't good enough if you just bake it in the oven? What is the dessert really supposed to do is put it in a pan, cover it with foil, tie it with the tiniest string outside of Cardi B's thong, and then put it in the oven on a baking sheet half submerged in water? Who thought this would make things better? Why all these steps? Why all this fuss?
While we're at it, why is it called “Crème Anglaise” in French? It means “English cream” and we speak English in England? Do you know what they call English muffins in England? Muffins! Just muffins! (My grandmother was a scone.) Why don't they just call it cream? It's like if you went to Paris and in English they called it “french fries.” Make it make “sense of English”.
What were we talking about? Oh, this technique. Aaron, Jasmine, Toby, Ian and perfect Tom rise through the ranks, reclaiming the perfection that is his birthright. It was as if the judges simply went from left to right because that was the order the dishes were placed on the table. Это также переворачивает то, как все происходило в «Подписи», где Том и Иэн вверху, Аарон и Жасмин внизу, а Тоби спит в кровати Медвежонка, что… ооооооооооооооооооооооооооооооооооооооооооооооооооооооооо.
The showstopper's job is to make a stand-alone trifle. I was going to complain that this is one of those problems where bakers have to worry more about texture than flavor, but is that even true? Most of them make something that doesn't require a container and tastes terrible. Is it the competition's fault or the bakers' fault? I don't even know at this point. I'm still thinking about Creme Anglaise.
Once again, Jasmine is the best. Let's be honest, Tom may be perfect, but Jasmine has everything ready. Her trifle is made with limoncello sponge cake, strawberry jelly and vanilla bavarois (also Aaron's nickname). The dessert is beautiful (it's Dessert Week), but somewhat ordinary. Yes, it looks like an example from a textbook, but not nearly as inventive as all the boys’ creations. But the judges like it, and that's enough for Jasmine's fourth win. The record belongs to Richard Burr from season five with five Star Baker wins in one season, our girl Jazzy J is within touching distance of a tie. (There is no Star Baker in the finale.)
Aaron, who has the right idea about hating the little things, makes one with a striped chocolate collar around it to support it and tops it with juicy plums, intricate chocolate circles and champagne jelly. It looks delicious, but the judges only like the jelly, and that's probably because it's boozier than Paul Hollywood at Greek Easter. (The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City fans know.)
Toby's is all about Christmas because, like the Hallmark Channel, it's always in the holiday spirit. It's an elderflower sherry trifle inspired by his grandmother's holiday favorite. The crowning glory is the jelly dome with a pointette inside, but it sticks to the bowl while he's making it and ends up looking more like what an alien would leave behind after crawling out of someone's guts. Stranger. The spongy collar around it, decorated with Santa Clauses and ornaments, looks amazing, if not like something you could buy in Poundland (English to American translation: Dollar General). Paul says the inside of the sponge is hard and dry, but Prue only likes elderberry jelly.
“Ideal Tom” again amazes not with its appearance, but with its taste. His towering creation, inspired by a trip to Greece and flavored with honey, yogurt and figs, looks like it would belong on the front page New York Times a culinary section with its own jelly-shaped dome topped with an olive branch. Once again, the judges say all you can taste is the almond extract he put in the sponge and nothing else. I hope our perfect Tom isn't like the desserts he keeps making: gorgeous on the outside, but lacking in satisfaction in the mouth.
I thought it was Tom's time and sent him to the semi-finals. Instead, the judges decided it was time for Ian to pack up. His piece looks fantastic with a sponge collar that gives it the look of wallpaper in an Italian boutique hotel. There's another jelly dome at the top, this time with the sun inside, but Paul and Prue say it tastes absolutely nothing – like water. This applies to everything, including his sponge, which Prue says is stronger than her conservative beliefs. So, of all our archetypes, it is the short king who comes home, not the World War II pilot or the lanky Disney prince. But the way the competition looks now, everyone in this Y-chromosome tent is just fighting for second place.
