The wrong question can ruin the mood of an entire meeting with family or friends. Some questions are boring, intrusive, or too ambiguous; others are intended to provoke, or are asked without any real interest in the answer.
And there are those who come out of the park, illuminating this place and uniting everyone in it.
“A good question opens up the whole room,” says Priya Parker, author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters. “It opens the door to communication and creates a geography of conversation so you can travel anywhere together. A beautiful question is a fundamental building block of conversation.”
The best questions, she adds, are those that lead to stories, not opinions, and bring specificity. They also energize, make people want to participate, and are relevant to everyone in the room. “It's a great question whether you're 7 or 77,” Parker says. “It doesn't feel like homework or work, and everyone in the group is looking forward to answering it, and also very interested in hearing everyone else's answers.”
We asked Parker the best question to ask at his next meeting.
Question #1 to ask
Parker considers her repertoire of favorite conversation starters to be the “magic questions” that turn small talk into real conversation. One especially perfect for end-of-year get-togethers with friends and family: “What three songs will be the soundtrack to your year and why?”
One of the reasons she likes the issue is its cross-generational appeal. Imagine the conversations each person's choices could spark: your grandfather might want to know who Tate McRae is, and your 6-year-old niece has never heard of Madonna. “A really good question has legs,” says Parker. Songs are so heavily influenced by personal and social factors that this question “will lead to a lot of other conversations.”
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Perhaps your sister is having a bittersweet season and most relates to a Brandi Carlile song, while your cousin is in her tender Taylor Swift era and your bubbly mom I will Survive on repeat. You'll learn a lot about your companions, especially if you ask thoughtful follow-up questions: How long have you been feeling this way? What can we do to support you? Why this artist? Have you seen them live? What other songs by them would you recommend? There's also a built-in opportunity to reflect on your own year.
Added bonus: You'll end up expanding your musical repertoire. “An Indian grandfather could talk about Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan and it’s like, ‘Who? What?” says Parker. “Someone else shares Glenn Miller, then someone else shares Scarlet Pleasure, and then someone else shares Toni Braxton.”
Luckily, music is easy to share. You can listen to each person's songs on Spotify while you're all together, or even create a playlist of songs from the whole group that everyone can listen to. “It creates a musical soundtrack for the rest of your time together,” Parker says. “It's generative, it's fun, it's accessible, and it has a rich afterlife.”
Less musical alternative
If you're not much of a music person, your group might appreciate a slight variation on Parker's favorite question: “If your year were a book, what would its title and subtitle be?”
“The title calls for brevity,” she says. “It sets the tone for your year without providing a full report.” Of course, by asking the right follow-up questions, you can go much deeper.
When Parker asked this question in meetings, she especially enjoyed the subtitles, which often made people laugh out loud. A book called My year as a motherfor example, it could have a subtitle like this: Poop, urine and the best year of my life. Or maybe this one: A Guide to Staying Sane.
“They're just a little frivolous, and it's fun,” she says.
And if there is still time after dessert…
Get creative by coming up with questions that everyone at your meeting will be interested in answering. Parker, who has taught her children the power of good questions, was thrilled when her daughter recently asked this (potentially important) question at a family party: “What was the naughtiest thing you've ever done that was worth it?”
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“The adults responded, knowing there were children in the room, but we heard so many stories,” she says. Then her son asked another question: “What was the meanest thing you ever did before you were 15?”
“My 77-year-old father, my daughter, my son and I spent the entire dinner just answering and telling stories and kind of confessing to each other,” Parker says. “A really good question allows you to complicate a person.” Everyone heads home feeling more connected, not to mention entertained and enlightened.
Want to know what to say in a difficult social situation? E-mail [email protected]
