When a couple gets divorced, it affects everyone in their orbit, not just the two people whose “yes” turned into a “no.” And damn, this crowd has a lot to say about it. Some people are so shocked that they cannot contain their curiosity. Others fear that divorce is contagious and will happen to them next time. And many others, no matter how well intentioned, are full of unsolicited advice.
We asked the experts – and divorced The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives— talk about the worst things you can say to a person who is getting a divorce, and also about what words really help.
“What's happened?”
When you are talking to someone who has just shared the news of their divorce, consider whether what you are saying is appropriate for you. for the sake or benefit of the injured party. For example, this common question is “more about your curiosity than your compassion,” says Andrea Hipps, divorce coach and author. The best and worst time of your life. It's especially difficult because “there's hardly any single reason for what happened,” she says. “Everything and nothing happened.”
However, people often gravitate to this issue out of a desire to protect their marriage. It's almost like saying, “If it can happen to you, it can happen to me,” Hipps notes, “so tell me everything that happened so I can avoid it.”
Hipps chooses to support his friend, saying: “Thanks for telling me this bad news. I'll be careful with it.” Another approach: “This is so much—you must be dizzy.” Your friend will understand that if he wants to open up, you are there, but he can do it at his own pace.
“But you guys were so happy!”
People rarely talk about their marital problems—your friends aren't going to post a public service announcement that Brian was flirting with the babysitter and Joan can't stand being around him. The outcry against what a recently separated couple looked like was the very definition of marital bliss “is so distasteful,” says Rebecca Love, a therapist in Fair Oaks, California. However, she admits it comes from a good place: “We're desperate to help people feel better, so we often say things without thinking about it,” she says. “But pointing out how happy they seemed is not helpful. It's more of a voyeuristic thing: 'I'm so shocked.' Help me with my feelings” rather than the other way around where we need to support them.”
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Give a heartfelt compliment instead. Kimberly Miller, a family law attorney and licensed marriage and family therapist, suggests saying, “You did what was right for you, and it's never easy. I admire your strength.”
“At least you’ll get a break from the kids!”
Leila Taylor, starring in the series The Secret Lives of Mormon Wivesdivorced in 2023. She has two children with her ex. The post-divorce comment that bothered her the most (and that she still hears) comes from people who find a so-called upside to shared custody: “At least you're a co-parent and can take a break from the kids!”
“My biggest nightmare is not having children 365 days a year and every holiday,” she says. “That's the opposite of what I want.”
On the other hand, a supportive friend shared a few simple words that remain with Taylor to this day: “Just because your life starts over doesn't mean your life is over.” “It's helped me a lot because you can look at it very negatively, but you can also look at it as a new beginning where you can meet someone who might be a better fit for you, or you can just spend time with yourself and get to know yourself on a more personal level,” she says. “It’s great to be able to start over.”
“I'm really sorry.”
This general opinion does not always resonate. An apology “expresses pity,” Hipps says. “He suggests it's tragic that they can say, 'You know what, this is the healthiest thing I can do to provide security or a better future for me and my family.'
Instead, Hipps likes to say, “I can't imagine what you're going through, but knowing you, you'll handle it with such grace.”
Love chooses this phrase: “You are an amazing person who has a lot of love left to give.”
“I like it because it’s based on strength,” she says. “You're sharing what you see and love about them, and that's what they need to hear. They need to hear what they bring—it can help them feel really good about the mindset of rejection and pain.”
“You just need to get out and start dating again and you'll feel better!”
Since the breakup, Taylor has received all kinds of feedback about her dating choices. Some people advised her to take time to recover first; others encouraged her to return there. Looking back, she says she thinks she may have jumped into the dating pool before she was fully ready, but it helped her learn more about what she was looking for.
Read more: Here's how to tell if you're talking to a narcissist.
Instead of putting your friend down, focus on how you can show up and support him, especially if you suspect he's lonely. Taylor defaults to isolation during difficult times and appreciates when people ask her to go for a drive, grab a coffee or drink, or order takeout and watch TV. “Having people around you makes you feel less lonely,” she says.
– You need my lawyer.
Every divorce is “unique and frustrating in its own way,” Hipps says. The lawyer who worked wonders for you may not be the best fit for your friend, depending on his specific needs. Additionally, “it involves an adversarial process where they can choose alternative dispute resolution options.”
Hipps says it's best to broach the topic like this: “Do you feel like you have enough resources? Do you have good advisors right now? I'd be happy to share some, but only if you feel like now is the right time for you.” This way, you won't make them doubt themselves if they already have a plan and a team.
-What about the children?
There's almost no chance that your friends who are getting divorced haven't thought through their decision, worrying about the well-being of their children above all else. To argue otherwise is “to rub salt in the wound,” Love says. “It comes across as judgmental and condescending, and no one wants that.”
Your friend might prefer to hear you say that you understand why they are hurt or feel how betrayed they are. This way, she says, you validate their pain while demonstrating that you are willing to listen and support them.
“It's better than staying in a bad marriage.”
This statement is problematic for a number of reasons. Your friend might think that he were in a wonderful marriage, Miller notes, and deeply mourn the loss of that reality. “Everything about divorce is more complex and nuanced than you might imagine from the outside,” she says, so it's best to avoid oversimplification. “Any time you turn it into a dichotomy—either you stay or you leave, and leaving is good and staying is bad—it never becomes that clear.”
The best approach, she adds, is to make it clear that you're not going anywhere: “However you're feeling right now, it's okay. I'm here to support you, no expectations.” Or change it up a bit: “This must be incredibly difficult—I hope you give yourself permission to feel whatever comes to mind.”
“I never liked them anyway.”
You probably have good intentions: you want your friend to know that you are on his side. But those kinds of comments “imply that they had poor judgment,” Hipps says. “This can make them feel even more alone or ignorant.” Divorcing people tend to rethink the past, wondering which parts were real and which parts they imagined, and this is an easy way to add to the chaos swirling around in their head.
Instead, encourage them by saying, “I know you did everything to make your marriage work, even when it was difficult.” Hipps also suggests offering to lighten their load in certain ways: Tell your friend you have two hours just for them this weekend and you can help them hang pictures in their new home or look at their broken washing machine. This way they won't have to ask.
Read more: How to break 8 toxic communication habits
Also keep in mind that your friend will have a long time to adjust to his new life after the initial shock has passed. Many of her clients tell her that they feel like they have no one to talk to because they imagine that people around them are tired of hearing about it. According to Hipps, if you tell someone you care about that you have an hour and would like to just listen to them talk about anything and everything, it can change the world for the better.
