Say goodbye to abrupt departures, that awkward “stay or leave” dance, and anxious (and noticeable) hovering near the door.
There's an art to saying goodbye to your host, even if you slip away earlier than expected, and experts say it's a skill that can serve you well at any gathering, any time of year.
Here's what to say to say goodbye.
Reliable formula
Researchers have a name for ending an interaction: “goodbye behavior,” which includes all the verbal and nonverbal ways you signal goodbye. “There are two main components to any good outlet,” says Amy Arias, a senior lecturer in communication studies at the University of Nevada, Reno, who specializes in interpersonal communication.
The first is the escape statement, also known as the exit statement. Here are a couple of short and meaningful words that will make it clear that you are leaving: “We are leaving!” Or: “It’s time!”
“It's important not to overdo it,” Arias says. “You don't use clauses or hedges, so don't use phrases like, 'It's probably time to leave' or 'It's probably time to go,' because then that opens you up to saying, 'No, no, no, so-and-so is going to make a toast,' or, 'Oh, wait, we haven't brought the cake yet.' There is no need to give any reason for leaving, such as telling a friend that you need to replace the nanny. If you do this, you will be giving them the opportunity to try to convince you to stay. (“Just pay your babysitter a few extra dollars! They’ll love the money!”) Next thing you know, 45 minutes later and… you’re still there.
Read more: 8 Polite Ways to Decline a Party Invitation
The second part of the farewell is an expression of gratitude to the owner, which requires two more simple and short words. Arias usually chooses: “Amazing party!” Or: “How fun!”
While you can change the order of your closing words and expressions of gratitude, Arias says it's especially nice to end with your appreciation. “It's helpful because it takes the attention away from me leaving and back to the presenter: 'You did such a great job and it was so amazing,'” she says. “With this order, the conversation ends when I leave.”
When you say goodbye (“Sneaking away! Great meeting!”), be mindful of your nonverbal behavior, Arias advises. Smile, nod your head and maybe raise your hands in the air to show that there's nothing you can do, it's just time to go, she says. This tactic “allows us to emphasize and complement what we say verbally to really reinforce that message.”
If you want to add a little levity…
Richie Freeman, an expert on manners and etiquette, likes to add extra personality to his grooming routines, and humor is his favorite way to do it. His favorite one-liners include: “I'll be answering this party at 8 a.m. practice tomorrow” and “I'm going to leave before I get to the buffet for round five.”
“Humor will break the awkward ice a little,” he says. “It's also a compliment: 'I ate so much, I loved the cake, the crab sauce was so good.' When people throw an event or party, they want to know that the people they invited enjoyed it.”
Freeman also found the joke to be a good one: “As my grandfather always said, 'If you yawn, you're screwed.'
“It's a fun way to say, 'Listen, man, I'm tired,'” he says. “It’s a cheeky way to make your owner smile before leaving.”
Is it possible to leave without saying goodbye?
Communications and etiquette experts used to think it was rude to sneak out without saying goodbye. But the situation is changing. These days, Arias says, some people even post signs at the wedding reception giving people permission to leave whenever they want. It might read, “When you are ready to leave, please feel free to leave. The bride and groom are enjoying the party and appreciate you being here.” She adds that this can feel liberating because guests won't have to worry about tracking down the newlyweds and “disrupting the flow” of the party.
Read more: 9 Things to Say When Someone Asks Why You Don't Drink
“There's no universal yes or no about whether a quick, unannounced exit is acceptable, “but the trend is shifting toward, 'Yes, they're fine, and sometimes they're very appropriate,'” Arias says. However, if you decide to disappear into the night, you should always send a follow-up message, such as a text message or, if it's a professional meeting, an email. Keep it short and to the point: “I had to run, but the party was amazing. Thanks for including me.” “That way, when the host or hostess comes back to reality after cleaning and unpacking, they'll see that lovely message about how much you enjoyed it,” she says. “They probably didn’t even notice that you slipped away.”
However, there is an important caveat: these solutions do not work in every situation. You can only do this if you are part of a large crowd and not one of eight people at a dinner party. “If it's a small group and you're running out the door, people will notice,” Freeman says. “Context matters.” In such situations, just remember that four magic words are all you need and everything will be fine.
Want to know what to say in a difficult social situation? E-mail [email protected]
