Siblings want to involve grieving sister in holiday tradition – Chicago Tribune

Dear Eric: My older sister recently lost her husband of 40 years. He had health problems, but his death six months ago was unexpected. They had no children. They left our hometown many years ago and lived a very happy life together.

My other siblings and I still live in our hometown and always get together as a family on Christmas Eve. We would love for our sister to come “home” to be with family this year as this will be the first Christmas our sister will be alone. However, it is stable.

She is not used to traveling (especially during the busy holiday season) and is not entirely comfortable navigating the airport, although the airport in her city is very efficient and the signs make it easy to navigate. It's a short flight from her city to our hometown.

I'm torn between respecting her discomfort and being heartbroken at the thought of her spending Christmas alone. She has many friends, but I don't know if any of them will be able to invite her to join their celebration.

Yes, we've thought about flying to her city to be with her, but then we're sacrificing our Christmas Eve tradition with our own families. Is this selfish? We just want to do the right thing and I need some perspective.

– Family mystery

Dear Riddle: Although this will be posted fairly close to the holiday, I hope it's not too late to include your sister in your plans. Travel to her, period. Traditions are important, but they are only as important as the people who participate in them. So, your tradition can withstand switching or splitting into separate events for a year or a couple of years.

Of course, not everyone will be able to pack up their family and go see their sister, but if one or two of you are able to see her this year, think how important it will be. Another option is to keep the Christmas Eve tradition and then fly to it, thereby creating a new tradition.

Most importantly, the tradition continues to serve the needs of the people who support it. If this doesn't happen, it's time to change. Ask her what would be helpful and make a plan together.

Dear Eric: I've been friends with “Mikey” since we were about 9 years old. We are now 61 years old. We grew up in the same area as our kids, moved away, but still live in the same small town.

Over the years, I noticed that the only time I saw Mikey was when I drove to his house or saw him at local flea markets. I'd ask him to go out to lunch, go fishing, or hang out with me, and there was always some excuse as to why he couldn't come.

I deliberately refused to meet him and it was over a year before he messaged me and asked why he hadn't seen me. So, I responded by text message and stated the above and also that I was hoping for more from what I thought was a one-sided friendship. I also stated how difficult it was to write this, that I thought of him often, loved him and that he would always be my friend.

More than a week has passed and I have not received a response. I don't know what to do with this. Any insight is appreciated.

– I miss my friend

Dear friend: Good for you for asking for what you need. So often in friendships and other relationships, we fear that talking about what isn't working or asking respectfully for changes will push people away, when in fact it creates space for deeper connection.

I know that's not the case with your friendship with Mikey. But by pointing out that something is not working for you, you will make it easier to correct the situation. However, Mikey must also take part.

Perhaps he perceived your friendship differently. Perhaps he is more of a homebody and turns down invitations to hang out due to social discomfort. And perhaps he has become comfortable with you reaching out and is surprised by your response. It’s not for me to say this, but it’s his responsibility to negotiate about feelings. One of the benefits of friendship, of course, is that he can share them with you and you can discuss it.