My husband and I just built our dream home. After a year of planning and months of construction the builders left and we can finally live there. the work was incredibly stressful, we spent a lot more than we planned and IIt caused an anxiety disorder that II'm currently struggling with.
Construction work is supposedly completed. but therestill something to work on and money to spend make the house a full-fledged home, and I'm exhausted and depressed about it. While we have an impressive home, we are also more financially strapped and that's something that comes to mind. But mostly it feels like home – I don’t like the atmosphere of it. I don't feel at home here.
My husband is much more positive about home byeI was aware that we both found the experience stressful. He may feel like there's something wrong with me, but I don't know if I should tell him the truth, which is that I dream of selling this and feeling free.
Should I tell him I'm unhappy? Or leave it and see if it grows on me? I resent and regret what this experience took from me. Should I tell him this? I'm worried that Either way it will tear us apart.
I wonder what makes you home, what do you feel is missing here and what has it taken away from you? If you sold this house, what kind of house are you dreaming of now?
Sometimes we bottle up our feelings by thinking they will get better when XYZ happens: everything will be fine when I buy a new kitchen/car/shoes or even big things like when I get married or have a baby. Then something happens and we are still left with the feelings plus the realization that the “solution” didn’t work. I wonder what the construction work kept you from thinking about?
I spoke to UKCP registered systemic therapist Melanie Shepherd, who said: “Your experiences over a long period of time seem traumatic and involve financial pressure and difficult relationships. You don't seem to feel like the task is accomplished and you are frightened by the thought of extra work and extra pressure on your finances. It takes time to develop a relationship with a new home in any circumstances, but you are living within the source of your stress.”
Shepard asked if something else was causing it. “I wonder what this house might be like: you call it a dream home, but it looks like it's turned into a nightmare. Who was most interested in it? Did you feel like you were pulled into the project, or was it something you were motivated to do from the start? I'm wondering what your childhood home was like and whether that experience echoes past feelings of insecurity in a new home or ambivalence about the transition.”
This house clearly evoked strong feelings and it's important to understand why because we both felt they went beyond the actual house. Please talk to your husband. You may be surprised by his answer, and talking about things often dilutes their intensity.
“Start by saying you want to discuss something and share your fears about talking about it,” Shepard says. “Money issues are notoriously difficult for couples to deal with. Perhaps together, you can plan a financial strategy that will help you feel more secure. Though I would start with feelings. Your husband may also have doubts about the house, but you find yourself in a polarized position where he brings optimism and hope for both of you, and you bring doubt and trauma.”
This is really appropriate because often in couples one is very responsible and the other abdicates most of the responsibility; one gets excited, the other becomes even more carefree. Your husband may feel that something is wrong with you, so you owe it to both of you to discuss it – you never know, a conversation can change everything.
Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal issue submitted by a reader. If you need Annalisa's advice, please send your problem to: [email protected]. Annalisa regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our conditions. The latest episode of Annalisa's podcast is now available Here.
