SEX FILES: What I learned when I took alcohol out of dating

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When I first became single after the end of a long-term common-law relationship, drinking and dating were inextricably linked. Before a date, I would often calm my nerves with a glass of wine while I was getting ready, or at least order a drink as soon as I arrived at the date.

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My boyfriend came over and we ordered a couple more portions before finishing. When I look back at my past drinking habits, it's no surprise that I've made some less than stellar romantic choices—almost anyone can seem tolerable after a glass or three of Pinot Gris.

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I'm not alone. According to a recent survey76% of people say they drank before a first date. First date nerves are no joke, and many adults still rely on a pre-date cocktail to ease the tension. However, it goes deeper than just nerves.

“In my experience working with people having difficult conversations, I've noticed that what we often call 'taking the edge off' is actually dulling our fear of judgment and rejection,” says Kimberly Best, dispute resolution expert and founder of the company. Best Conflict Solutions LLC.

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Why do we drink on dates?

Meeting someone new is truly vulnerable and comes with a lot of uncertainty. When we use alcohol as a crutch, “we're not building courage—we're temporarily dulling the discomfort of putting ourselves out there,” says Best.

Alcohol not only calms the fear of rejection, but also temporarily masks perfectionism and people-pleasing habits in older people. “When you drink, the emotional dynamics become more honest and vulnerable. You actually meet the person for who you are, not an edited or disguised version of them,” says Chloe Bean, LMFTsomatic traumatologist.

In my case, showing up on a date completely as me would mean admitting my past mistakes and relationship traumas, and I just wasn't ready for that. However, over time, I realized that alcohol was not doing me any good. Not only was I not being my full self on dates, but drinking had dulled my intuition, causing me to ignore warning signs and pursue relationships I wouldn't have chosen under saner circumstances. While I still like to have a drink with dinner, I've found that drinking less and going on more sober dates has led to more genuine connections.

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Ways to quit drinking

For those looking to quell pre-date anxiety without resorting to booze, Best advises starting by slowing your breathing to calm your nervous system while reminding yourself that the other person is probably nervous, too.

It can also be helpful to reframe anxiety as worry. “They seem remarkably similar in our bodies, and we actually function better with some of this energy because it correlates with how much we care,” says Best.

In his works, Best often speaks of “two truths.” She says, “It's normal to feel both hopeful about finding a connection and anxious about possible disappointment.” Both things could be true. Ultimately, dating sober is about embracing discomfort. “As more people date sober, I think we're forced to develop real conversation skills and learn to sit with the awkwardness rather than brush it under the rug. It's healthier, even if it's harder,” she says.

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Instead of trying to perform in front of the other person, take an interest in them. Ask questions. “I try to remind people that dating is just two people getting to know each other, not an audition,” Best says. She adds, “What if we approached this as an interesting conversation rather than a test we might fail?”

Find out more about why you drink

However, if you constantly feel pressure to perform and are afraid to be yourself without a drink in hand, there may be deeper issues at play beyond alcohol. Dating anxiety is deeply rooted in people-pleasing behavior and feelings related to self-esteem.

“If you're constantly trying to be what you think someone else needs, or if the anxiety is so severe that it's paralyzing rather than energizing, it's worth exploring,” Best says. Ultimately, Best says, “We need to see our self-worth through our own eyes, not through what a stranger on a date sees.”

Working with a therapist can help untangle these deeper fears, rewrite old patterns, and build the kind of self-esteem that allows you to feel safe. While I haven't given up alcohol completely, I've learned that my best dating experiences happen when I'm fully present and showing up as myself. This is the version of me that I want people to meet – and I'm finally learning to trust it.

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