Reiner family tragedy sheds light on pain of families grappling with addiction

When Greg learned of the deaths of Rob and Michelle Reiner and their son Nick's alleged involvement, the news struck an all-too-familiar chord.

What resonated was not violence, but rather the heartache and despair that comes from loving a family member suffering from an illness that even the best efforts and intentions cannot cure.

Greg has an adult child who, like Nick Reiner, has had a long and difficult battle with addiction.

“It just rings close to home,” said Greg, chairman Anonymous familiesA national program to support friends and family members of people with addiction. (In keeping with the organization's member anonymity policy, The Times is not disclosing Greg's last name.)

“It’s just terrible to be the parent or loved one of someone who is struggling with [addiction]because you can’t understand it,” he said. “You can’t find a way to help them.”

Every family's experience is different, and the full picture is almost always more complex than it appears from the outside. There are relatively few public details about the Reiner family's personal struggles.

But parts of their story are likely familiar to millions of American families struggling with addiction.

“This really shines a light on what's going on in homes across the country,” said Emily Feinstein, executive vice president of the nonprofit Partnership to End Drug Addiction.

Over the years, Nick Rayner, 32, and his parents publicly discussed his long-term struggle with drug use, which included periods of homelessness and numerous stints in rehab.

Most recently, he lived in a guest house on the Brentwood property owned by his parents. Family friends told the Times that Michelle Singer Reiner has become increasingly concerned about Nick's mental health in recent weeks.

The couple was found dead in their home on Sunday afternoon. Los Angeles police arrested Nick hours later. On Tuesday he was charged with their murders. He is currently being held without bail and placed under special supervision due to a potential suicide risk. A law enforcement official told The Times.

Substance use experts caution against drawing a straight line between addiction and violence.

“Addiction or mental health issues never justify such a horrific act of violence, and these types of actions are not a direct result or symptom of addiction in general,” said Zach Jones, executive director of Beit T’Shuvah, a nonprofit drug addiction treatment center in Los Angeles.

The circumstances of the Reiners' widely publicized death are far from ordinary. The fact that addiction affected their family, no.

Nearly one in five people in the United States have personally experienced addiction. 2023 survey from the Kaiser Family Foundation.

Two thirds of Americans have a family member with the condition, and the proportion is similar among rural, urban, and suburban residents and among black, Hispanic, and white respondents.

“Substance use disorders, addiction, don’t discriminate,” Jones said. “It affects everyone from the very top [socioeconomic status] people experiencing homelessness on Skid Row. … There is no solution that you can buy.”

During an interview for the 2015 film Becoming Charlie, a semi-autobiographical film directed by Rob Reiner and co-written by Nick Reiner, the family told reporters that Nick, then in his early 20s, had been to rehab approximately 18 times since his teens. Nick Rayner also spoke publicly about his heroin use as a teenager.

Such cycles of rehabilitation and relapse are common, experts say. One 2019 study found that it took an average of five recovery attempts effective in stopping use and maintaining sobriety, although the authors noted that many respondents reported 10 or more attempts.

Many families are spending their savings to find a cure, Feinstein said. Even those with abundant resources often fall into the same cycle of despair.

“Unfortunately, the system designed to treat people does not take into account the complexity or intensity of the disease, and in most cases it is very difficult to find effective, evidence-based treatments,” Feinstein said. “No matter how much money you have, it does not guarantee a better outcome.”

Addiction is a complex disorder with roots in genetics, biology, and environmental factors.

Repeated drug use, especially during adolescence and early adulthood when the brain is still developing. physically changes the circuit which controls reward and motivation.

Additionally, co-occurring mental health disorders, trauma, and other factors mean that no two cases of substance abuse disorder are the same.

To begin with, quality rehabilitation programs are not enough, experts say, and even an effective program that responds successfully to one patient may not work at all for another.

“There's always a risk of relapse. It can be difficult to deal with,” Greg said.

According to Greg, Families Anonymous advises members to accept the “Three Cs” of a loved one's addiction: you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

“Good, loving families, caring people also face this problem,” he said. “It's a very common thing, but people don't really talk about it. Especially parents, for fear of being judged.”

After the murders, a family friend told the Times that they had “never known a family as devoted to a child” as Rob and Michelle Reiner, and that the couple “did anything for Nick. All the treatment programs, therapy sessions and put their lives on hold multiple times to save Nick.”

But the sad fact is that devotion alone cannot cure a complex chronic illness.

“If you could love someone to the point of sobriety, recovery, remission of psychiatric problems, we would have a lot fewer clients here,” Jones said. “Unfortunately, love is not enough. It's part of the solution, of course, but it's not enough.”

If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health crisis, help is available. Call 988 to connect with qualified mental health counselors or text “HOME” to 741741 in the US and Canada to reach the Crisis Text Line.