According to the esteemed founder of Reality Television Arts and Sciences, Brian Moylan, most of the fights on Housewives aren't really about what the women talk about on camera, but are actually about the show and the power struggle surrounding what goes on behind the scenes, namely compensation. When the girls focused on Denise Richards Beverly Hills, This was largely due to the seven-figure salary she received while barely filming. Atlanta the ladies pounced on Kim Zolciak as soon as she got too big for her britches and thought she had secured a gravy boat with her husband and NFL spin-off. The hierarchy that income represents is a clear subtext for those savvy (or curious enough) to sort through the maze of blindsides, dubious Instagram stories and thinly veiled tweets from glam squad assistants to understand that when the ladies of Married to Medicine engage in Quad's seasonal ritual of humiliation, this is not exclusively because she's insufferable and annoyingly dramatic, but also because she sets clear boundaries between her co-stars and her real-life friends.
Because I'm incorrigibly curious, I can usually immediately pick up on the subtextual undertones of any scene – chances are I've already listened to an obscure podcast posted in the recesses of the official subreddit months ago – I'm ready to understand the actual tension on screen. For example, at the Potomac premiere, it was clear that Stacey was warning Keyarna with the words, “You've been trying to come to your senses for years.” They both try to stand out and Keyarna realizes that Stacey's star is rising and hers is dimming – Stacey expresses her desperation to get the shot, creating tension between them. It's daring, but quite simple. However, this episode… I have no idea what exactly the problem is between these women.
I'll go from most to least understandable. Stacey can't handle the pricks while she's down and recruits Jassy for revenge. Stacy has every right to want to hit back, but I have to say her performance was worse than it was back then. Cynthia was forced to expose Mr. Chocolate.. However, Jassy doesn't seem to be thrilled with the tag team, and he oohed and ahhed accordingly upon learning that… drum roll please – Giselle is dating. If they want to return fire, they will have to put in even more effort.
Next we have Wendy vs Keyarna. I understand the core of Keyarna's problem: she wants them to be real friends, and Wendy sees her and K as work friends, which is not enough for her. She doesn't want to do a fake double kiss at events; she wants real friendship, sisterhood, connection… but that's not what Wendy offers. Explaining the intricacies of tension between women and the ways in which passive-aggressive tactics are used requires a degree in sociology, so I'm not so surprised that Keyarna is nervous about Wendy's deadpan energy; but she should know that she's just bad at communicating her problem, and Wendy isn't going to give her any rope other than the exact amount she needs to hang herself. Wendy laughed in Keyarna's face and they both gave each other the middle finger, but still walked out of the scene hand in hand – I would need 10,000 words to explain how this points to emotionally unstable behavior by women who dominated their group chats and were angry at each other.
Although I more or less understand the essence of the above issues, when the horses start coming, everything stops making sense. First, there is tension over the two competing races between Keyarna and Wendy, except that Keyarna is the pre-party at the apartment and Wendy is hosting the official party during the race, so there's really no conflict. The chin check issue then resumes, except now Giselle is angry because Angel said Keyarna turned back, and Angel claims she'll be in serious trouble if she lies. So Keyarna decides to say it and Angel seems happy as a clam and now Wendy and Giselle are annoyed at her because she's not mad at Keyarna and now Keyarna is mad at everyone in her apartment? I sincerely don’t understand what should concern us here and why. I understand that Angel is hesitant to bring out her best friend in front of the camera crew, but most people aren't in a rush to drag their best friend out with the audience. I'm just struggling to understand why the phrase “chin check” is such an issue that it keeps getting dragged out like this; this is starting to remind me of how we spent an entire season arguing about the semantics of the word “violated” on Beverly Hills.
By the time Stacey and Keyarna resume their argument, I just don't really understand what everyone's problem is with each other. Stacy wasn't invited to Keyarna's events, Keyarna doesn't care about her, Stacy reminds her of a physical altercation they had, and I'm just wondering why it all got so hostile. Now we get into the van and Angel is having problems with Wendy and I'm just stuck wondering how the word “checked chin” started all of this. Usually the alliances and subtext are quite obvious – this time it felt like Keyarna was struggling to take her rightful place at the table, and everyone was enduring friendly fire as a result of her half-hearted efforts.
In any case, the slogans have finally appeared. Let's rate them, shall we?
- Giselle: “When the nest is empty, it’s time for naked, grown-up and sexy.” Considering we never see any real information about her personal life, I don't even understand what this is supposed to mean. I can't tell if Gisele is threatening us with new jumpsuits or starring in a sponsored ad as an ambassador for Porsha's Go Naked Hair. 3/10
- Wendy: “I value higher education.” Considering the state of bliss that the Osefos seemed to be in in their photos, I believe Happy Eddie is truly up to the task. But let's talk about some terrible times, honestly. 5/10
- Stacey: “Some people believe the lies, but I still rise.” Given that TMZ recently confirmed Stacey's divorce, she may well be right. 7/10
- Keyarna: “Beauty is my business, but bringing you together is my specialty.” Unfortunately, I'm afraid that recent evidence does not support this assertion. 5/10
- Tia: “You can only squeeze pearls if you have them, and darling, I have plenty of them.” The delivery is what really sells this. She is opposed by a weak field, but definitely the strongest. 7/10
- Angel: “Hell hath no fury like an angel scorned.” Cute enough, but if this episode is any indication, I think she may be writing a check that her mouth can't cash. 6/10
- Ashley: “This cherry tree is ready for its second bloom.” Who's got this whole second bloom concept stuck in Ashley's head? It's pointless and stupid. 4/10
This sequence might be more confusing than the third act of a Chris Nolan film, but we're going to take the cast to St. Kitts and Nevis, where we can at least be confused looking at the beach. See you next week!
• I laughed out loud when Giselle politely informed Angel that her Sound Bowl event was boring as hell. I'm sorry, but I've seen enough artificial meditation for the next four lifetimes.
Genuinely surprised at how little I miss Mia on screen, but I hope she and Bobby Valentino (or some obscure Atlanta man who was relevant 15 years ago that she's now noticed) are doing well.
Stacey, who is the mother of a contestant, is as predictable as Kenya Moore's colored contact lenses. But Arabella looked cute!
Ashley looked beyond absurd at a spin class with her wig down and a full face of makeup. Just apply a little powder, fill in your eyebrows and that's it!
