Dear Eric: My cat died in 2013. Everyone said that I treated him like a child. He felt so bad, so suddenly, that it scared me so much.
Then my father died out of nowhere in 2018. I wanted to die to be with him because he was my best friend.
Now I am afraid that I will lose someone at any moment. I have OCD and all my rituals are aimed at keeping my mom, sister, husband and current cats safe and alive. I text my mom all the time, and if she doesn't respond for several hours, I panic.
I would start crying and choking if she didn't send her usual morning “I'm fine” text by the time she always did, ready to go to her apartment, ready to find her body.
How can I stop this?
Please don't tell me to see a therapist. I had her for many years, then she left the practice. I don't have the strength to start over with someone new. I've seen at least 13 or 14 before this one, and they mostly sucked.
I don't want to try again, plus I have very, very little free time due to my work schedule and a lot of doctor visits for all my health problems.
But my OCD about this is getting much worse. So, any advice you have on how to stop obsessively worrying that everyone is going to die would be greatly appreciated.
– I want to stop worrying
Dear Anxious: I understand how overwhelming it can be to start therapy all over again. But from what you've written, it's clear that some form of intervention is needed.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder and its symptoms can be treated with psychotherapy, as well as medications and sometimes intensive outpatient programs. So, since you are already working with healthcare providers, discuss other options with them.
You are also experiencing intense grief right now. While you may not get everything you need from a local or online grief support group, find one. It is essential that you have the capacity to process the emotions you are experiencing. Your anticipated grief is directly related to the grief you experienced for your cat and your father.
We cannot cure grief – it is a different process, and it is unique for everyone. But you can change your attitude towards it so that it has less power over your thoughts and actions. Finding relief is possible.
Dear Eric: I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I hate my three stepchildren. The daughter is the main antagonist. Let's call her Mabel. She is a prime example of a narcissistic personality: self-centered, dramatic, unable to put herself in another person's shoes.
At first, her younger brothers were much more welcoming to me, but in the presence of their sister they always behaved with restraint. There wasn't even a smile when the self-proclaimed queen bee was nearby.
Unfortunately, all hell broke loose when my husband and I had to undergo unexpected major surgery in the same week. Despite our desire to be surrounded by family during our recovery, Mabel had every excuse possible for why she couldn't visit us or help.
However, she called her father every day to ask him many personal questions related to our finances and expected inheritance.
This touched me and my husband to the core. He has always been a devoted father.
No matter how much I documented how rude and mean his children were, my husband could not pull himself together. He asked me: “What should I do? I don’t want to push them away by begging them to be kinder to you. I love you, but don’t ask me to choose.”
I told him the problem was that I couldn't be in the same room with her.
Do you think my position is too harsh? I welcome your thoughts on how I can fix this situation before it gets even more out of control.
– Not the Evil Stepmother
Dear Stepmother: Your husband's fear that he will alienate his children by asking them to be kinder to you is frustrating: Being kind or even polite is not a difficult task, and in blended families, a parent often needs to set expectations and manage difficult emotions.
But, for better or worse, that's the relationship he has with his children. So, you will find more peace by recognizing that you are in a separate relationship. You may not be able to get away with not being in the same room as Mabel, but setting a healthy internal boundary can look like being cordial but indifferent.
This may also mean deleting records of wrongdoing. Your goal is not to convince your husband that his children are evil. Your goal is to not let whatever happens between them affect your relationship with him.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
