Can we take a moment of your time to go over the nuts and bolts? You might think you've heard them all before (because you have), but certain polite jargon is falling out of the modern lexicon. Experts agree that this is bad news for everyone.
“It’s important to mind your manners—and I don’t say this as a reproach, but as an encouragement,” says Lizzie Post, co-president Emily Post Institute (and great-great-granddaughter of renowned etiquette expert Emily Post). “It's amazing how good manners can have such an impact on other people's lives – and they stick like wildfire. That person holds the door for you, and you hold the door for the person behind you. It breaks the cycle of stress, rudeness and lack of awareness of others.”
To help us coexist as peacefully as possible, we asked Post and other experts to remind us which polite words still matter the most and why.
“Hello!”
When you walk into a cafe in the morning, your first words should have nothing to do with your order. Start your interactions with baristas with a friendly greeting, because “not acknowledging a person's humanity before asking them something is pretty rude,” says Nick Layton, co-host of the etiquette podcast. Were you raised by wolves?
“In some places, greetings are very important – for example, in France it is very important to say 'Good afternoon' when you enter a store,” he adds. “In America we walk in and say, ‘Oh, give me a croissant,’ and we don’t say hello first.”
This advice goes beyond interacting with customer service reps: It's also a good idea to get into the habit of saying hello to any co-workers you pass when you arrive at work each day, or to the receptionist in your apartment lobby, for example.
“Please”
The word “please” turns a demand into a request. “It recognizes someone's choice to participate in something and the impact that participation can have on their own life,” Post says. This demonstrates respect and consideration and makes it clear that the other person has autonomy over whether they choose to comply.
Read more: What to say if you forgot someone's name
However, Post understands why people don't say this in some situations. “I think we've veered away from the word 'please' because we're concerned that a lot of the text messages we send on a daily basis might sound like, 'Please do this,' because every magic word can be said wrong,” she says. “You can say a sarcastic 'please' or an insincere 'please'. These words can be made unpleasant by your tone, but when we don't – when we use them politely and positively – they have profound consequences.”
“Thank you” (with a reservation)
Rita Kirk, professor of corporate communications and public relations at Southern Methodist University, brings many guest speakers to her classes. After each visit, she asks her students to write a thank-you note, but before sending it to the recipient, she reads and evaluates each one.
Writing a good thank you note is an art, says Kirk, and rule No. 1 is that “thank you” should never be your very first words. Instead, make your gratitude explicit by describing what the gift, insight, or time meant to you and why you are grateful for it. If you were sending thank you notes after a baby shower, for example, you might write, “I can't wait to see what baby looks like in her new western outfit. I promise to take a photo and send it to you. Thanks so much for the thoughtful gift!”
Getting into the habit of sending thank you notes can literally pay off. Kirk recalls one former student who sent her a note that began: “Damn you.” “It was pretty funny,” she says. “She said that all those times in class when she had to write thank you notes, she rolled her eyes and cursed my name.” However, after graduating from university, the woman got the job she really wanted and eventually asked her employer why her name was at the top of the list. Her boss responded, “You were the only one who sent a thank you note.”
“Can I?”
This question is “the ultimate phrase of respect,” says Jacqueline Whitmore, etiquette expert, founder of the Palm Beach Protocol School and author Business Class: Etiquette Basics for Success at Work. It is seeking permission rather than presumption, which instantly softens the tone of any request and conveys respect and understanding of the other person's space and time.
Read more: 8 Ways to Respond to an Apology Beyond “It's Okay”
Plus, it's versatile enough for any situation: use it before giving a colleague feedback on their presentation, Layton suggests, or when ordering food at a restaurant. One of his lovers orders this: “I’ll take the salmon.” Rephrasing the phrase, “May I order…” definitely sounds less like, “Bring me that,” he says, a courtesy your waiter is sure to appreciate.
“My pleasure”
Whitmore always prefers “with pleasure” to the more businesslike “please.” “It conveys the joy of service—helping was not a burden, but a pleasure,” she says. Plus: “Instead of calling attention to the other person…”You welcome” – you take responsibility. His my I’ll be happy to do this for you.”
Etiquette experts almost always shy away from one common response to expressing gratitude: “No problem.” “To me, it sounds like there was a problem all along,” Whitmore says, hinting that someone's “thank you” is, in some sense, an apology. There's simply no need to bring even the idea of a problem into the conversation, she said.
“Sorry” or “forgive me”
In some ways, these phrases are like mini-apologies, Post says. If you burp, you can follow it up with a “sorry,” and if you make someone uncomfortable by asking them to move their chair so you can squeeze past, you can quickly say “excuse me.”
“They are both used to excuse a mistake or admit that it was foiled,” she says. “It’s a way to acknowledge that our behavior may not be the most polite, or to get someone’s attention.”
These two simple words, Layton adds, signal that you recognize and appreciate the fact that there are other people in the world. “We could all use a little more of this,” he says.
“Friend” or “neighbor”
Terms of endearment were once used much more liberally than they are now. People addressed each other as “friend” or “neighbor” or even, in church and other situations, “brother” or “sister.” These types of terms can be attached to any greeting, question, or remark: “Hey neighbor! Do you want some apples?” Or: “Hey friend, it’s nice to meet you here.”
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“It makes both of us feel good,” Kirk says. “The real message is that I see you and I appreciate you, and those are not the messages that we send to other people very often. We put up these walls to protect ourselves,” which doesn't exactly promote a sense of community or connection.
On the other hand, if we try to treat each other with kindness and love, well-being will flourish. Dear reader, this is a mission worth pursuing.
Want to know what to say in a difficult social situation? E-mail [email protected]
