My brother and sister-in-law had a baby who is a few months old. My daughter-in-law won't let anyone keep baby though grandparents on both sides of the family were allowed a one-time detention. At family events, as soon as the child makes the slightest cry, the mother takes him to a room as far away from everyone else as possible. They usually leave soon after.
No one says anything to her to avoid confrontation and the “new mom” factor, but allowing only the child contact her parents Seems it will build problems Later. Everyone else, including my brother, is having a hard time right now. The natural inclination is to interact with a very young child. They won't be like this for long. Everyone else has already stayed away – there is a sense of ownership and that we are all beyond boundaries. Even in photographs she holds the child, facing him away from everyone else. This seems extreme. This? How can I provide support without feeding this extreme (if there is one)?
Eleanor says: There could be many different reasons why she made this choice. It could be due to illness. Many parents limit visiting or cuddling for the first few months; It only takes one relative to forget that he has a cold or herpes. Perhaps it's a matter of overstimulation. She may not want to deal with the possible consequences of the baby being overwhelmed by the many faces, noises and smells. It could be anxiety; perhaps all day parenting, books, and her postpartum imagination remind her of everything that can go wrong. There may be medical things we don't know, emotional things we don't know. It might just be her preference. This decision could be completely neurotic or completely rational.
The only thing we know for sure is that this was the decision she (and your brother) made.
You might be thinking, “I wish she wouldn’t do this when it costs us all something so wonderful.” She might think, “I wish people wouldn't expect me to do what makes them feel good when it means I or my child will be less comfortable.”
Which one of you will have to adapt to the other? The natural answer is that it should be about what is best for the child.
You write that problems with the child may arise later if nothing changes. May be. Maybe not. I don't know. She might give the baby a complex if she holds him too tightly. Or maybe a relative with the flu will kiss the child. She may be holding the child too anxiously and would be a better parent if she eased it up. Or maybe she's trying to teach herself and her child that you don't have to do what your family wants. I honestly don't know who is right because we don't know the whole argument.
But how we interact with a parent's decision depends not only on who is right. There are many reasons why a child's life might be better if his parents did things differently. Less screen time, less condescension, look more at that side of the family, teach them that instead. Many of us see parenting as something we think can cause problems, and sometimes we are wrong. It's not our child all the time.
She may be wrong about what is best for the baby. But parents have the right to make mistakes. They are especially allowed to do things wrong out of caution.
If she does become an anxious parent, which you think is extreme, it's still worth remembering the difference between emotional truths that would be good for someone to know and emotional truths that we should point out. This child will have doctors and kindergartens in his life who will help compensate for any problems. What might she and her baby need that they can only get from your side of the family?
What I really hear is that it hurts you to be ignored and treated like a threat. It may be worth trying to change your relationship with her rather than who will hold the baby. What is going on between you that makes you want more involvement than she is willing to provide? If your answer is, “She's too worried,” she probably sensed that you thought so. Anxiety does not respond well to being told it is wrong; he responds to a feeling of security. Building a closer relationship can be as simple as trying to figure out what she wants most at the moment and trying to give it to her rather than helping in ways that you think are right.
