I'm 17 years old and have just started my last year of school. WITH I went to high school and had pretty much the same friendship group: B, C and D.
My best friend (B) and I were always silent. And hesitating about doing something where there are only two of us, for fear of leaving the other two out. However, last year we were constantly ignored by C and D, and We decided to do what we want and not wait for approval. We can be friends regardless of others thoughWe are still friends with them.
Recently we were making plans together and came across C and D byeday off. They left without telling us anything. C in particular it seemed annoying and was surprising because she doesn't particularly take us into account.
I always felt like she doesn't appreciate it my friendship or B, but expects us to be close to her and for our friendship to revolve around her. This recently withI was sweating because of the incident where she felt we didn't notice her. She told me my name and I didn’t read B’s message and I sent it to her apologizee.
I'm more annoyed than upset right now as she prolongs a quarrel that could have been resolved by reading the text. I worry that we have fallen into the trap of trying to please a toxic person.. I don't want to lose friend is going into his final year of school, but it seems unsustainable. Is this friendship worth saving?
I'm glad you feel this is unsustainable because something inside of you is telling you a valuable truth: you are worth so much more. This is not friendship. Your friends C and D, but especially C, seem deeply unhappy, and unhappy people often try to get rid of the unhappiness they feel and project it onto others instead of trying to deal with it. People tell us a lot about themselves by how they treat others.
I turned to clinical and counseling psychologist and psychoanalyst Professor Alessandra Lemma. “This,” she said, “is such a familiar scenario, but you show real thoughtfulness in the way you describe the friendship. What comes through strongly is the imbalance. You and B avoid excluding others, while C excludes without any care.”
Lemma added: “S appears to be operating from what I understand to be a narcissistic position: she needs to be the center of attention, is quick to feel neglected, and punishes when she is not the center of attention.”
You can find mine podcast interesting about narcissists. True narcissists (and this word is overused) are very fragile people.
after promoting the newsletter
Lemma asked why this friendship is so important to you and advised you to ask yourself what kind of friend behaves this way and what attracts you to her.
“You are in a strong position,” Lemma added. “You have friend B, and it sounds like it's a valuable friendship worth protecting. I would encourage you to consider making a good relationship with B a priority; and stop apologizing to S, because it only reinforces her submissive role and reinforces her need to control.”
Recognizing that sometimes friendship is not what we want or cannot create comes with a huge loss, no matter how hard we try. I think you're at that stage when it comes to K. Lemma, and I think you'll feel liberated when the time comes when you can actually accept it.
You seem very emotionally intelligent, and this can make friendships difficult at any age, but especially now when everyone around you is still so immature.
Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal issue submitted by a reader. If you need Annalisa's advice, please send your problem to: [email protected]. Annalisa regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our conditions. The latest episode of Annalisa's podcast is now available Here.
