I'm in mine 80s and old friend has several health problems. She will probably die in the not too distant future due to inoperable cancer, which she had known about for several years.
She has two grown children, her own everyday and career problems, but she sees them often, and I know them both.
Some time ago, speaking to her I said about a mutual friend with dementia if I was diagnosed. It's me I would like to commit suicide while I was still myself. She asked how I would do it and have brought up the topic once or twice since then. I was afraid she asked me to help her commit suicide. Although I couldn't see her suffer (her cancer isn't hurting her at the moment) I'm not sure I have the strength to do this.
She recently showed me a bottle of pills that she said contained the solution. She prescribed these pills And warned not to exceed the dose as it could be fatal. She said knowing they were here meant she can cope with life with grueling conditions.
When I told this to another friend, she said I should talk to her doctor and/or her sons because she was clinically depressed. I didn't do anything – who wouldn’t become depressed while housebound, with limited mobility and terminal cancer?
And mI tend to keep talking and doing nothing. I understand this means I'll have to keep it a secret if she takes the pills. But she trusts me and talks to me in a way she doesn’t know how to do. to their sons and brothers and sisters. Do you think I should continue to maintain her trust?
I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I should note that you cannot help her commit suicide as it would be a criminal offence. So I'm glad she didn't ask you for it.
I reached out to clinical psychologist, psychotherapist and CEO of Tavistock Relationships, Andrew Balfour. He is also the author of Life and Death: Our Relationship with Aging, Dementia, and the Other Fates of Time, and we discussed your letter at great length. He thought your letter contained a lot of “anxiety, loss and grief that must be difficult for both of you to bear.” We discussed what your friend must be feeling: she is afraid of vulnerability and dependence and wants to regain control. Hence the pills. By telling you about them, she is trying to tell you that she is scared.
Balfour felt that your letter “conveys your sense of being burdened with responsibility for what is happening, expressed in your feeling that you are stuck in such a difficult dilemma.” Can you find someone you can trust, a friend or therapist, to think through your feelings with you? He said: “If such underlying feelings can be put into words, conflict over what to do can be reduced and there is more room for understanding the deeper anxieties that are driving the situation.” Then you can think about how best to respond.
Balfour also wondered if it might be worth contacting your friend's local palliative care team, as there might be someone there who could talk to her in a more general way to help her calm down; this will need to be calculated carefully or you risk even more worry. Is there anyone on her medical team who could offer her psychological support or know someone who can?
You can continue to support her as you always have: by being there and listening. She clearly trusts you and feels safe: don't underestimate how important this is. By telling others what she told you, you are risking her confidence and trust. If they take the pills, there is no guarantee that she won't find more pills or commit suicide in some other way. So no, I wouldn't tell them. Balfour suggested that you, if you would like, communicate with her children and express concerns in other ways.
Also make sure you have support. It's not easy for you either.
In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted freephone 116 123 or by email at [email protected] or [email protected].. In the US, you can call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or chat online at 988lifeline.org.. Crisis support service in Australia Life line 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at: befrienders.org
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