I left my ex-husband two and a half years ago. The day we broke up, he told me that he had feelings for a married woman, and she for him. I knew. This was one of the reasons I wanted to leave him, as well as a very long list of reasons why our marriage was no longer working for either of us.
A few months later, he began actively (but secretly) pursuing this woman, who is the mom of my son's sports team. Other than my ex and this woman, I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who knows.
I feel complicit in their terrible lies, and it pains me to know that it will hurt so many people. My son is 17 years old, and his football team is like a big family. I I am concerned that this relationship could destroy not only their family, but also my son's relationship with his father. Should I tell my husband or remain silent?
Eleanor says: Revealing an affair is a classic example of what is felt as a tension between fulfilling a moral duty (to tell the truth) and preventing harm. On the one hand, there is such a strong feeling that they are getting away with something and are being dragged into their pretense.
On the other hand, everyone has a story about how they told their partner and things didn't go as they expected. The husband says: “It would be better if I didn’t know that.” “Why was it your business?” Or an existing relationship ended anyway, and it turns out that an affair is a relationship that lasts. And maybe we don't. In fact know. Based on what you said in your letter, there is (to me) a reasonable doubt that they are openly flirting without going into romance territory, which can be different for different people.
So, I'm wondering if this is a question of whether or not I should tell my husband. Maybe you can talk to your ex?
They probably underestimate how much you will have to pay to keep this secret. In fact, they may not even think about it How keeping a secret. They may think of your silence as a refusal to participate, a non-participation, a “staying on the sidelines,” whereas for you it feels as much like a decision as it does telling.
Additionally, if they're having an affair, they may find themselves in what's called a “love fog,” where the things people usually value disappear in an intoxicating haze of newness and mystery.
You could fix both of these things. You could say to your ex-husband: you put me in a very uncomfortable position. You haven't made much effort to hide what I think is going on. And now I I'm polluted by this knowledge and I staying up at night worrying about the things that should be worrying you: how will this affect the children? Is there any way out of this situation that won't hurt a lot of people in the blast radius?
In other words, you could tell them: You put me in a position where I do something every day that I don't know if I can do. I don't feel comfortable staying in this state. I need to know that you're not just sleepwalking and ruining everyone's lives, and if you can't get out of this in a way that minimizes the harm, I won't continue to keep your secret.
This way you dispel the illusion that everything is fine and no one notices. You place them on the clock; either stop it, admit it, or find some other way to sort things out.
Obviously, it would be right if they did not do this at all. Now that they've done it, they're left with only bad options: confess and hurt a lot of people, or get out and keep the secret. Either way, they will be responsible for things that will keep them up at night. But You can't know the subtleties that decide which of these options is the right choice.
What you know is that you have leverage. And you can use this to make sure they know this isn't an limbo you'll be stuck with forever.
