I'm lonely mother of an 18-year-old daughter. It was always just the two of us and We have a very open, supportive and healthy relationship.
She's going away to the university in new year and has recently created a new friendship group I know less than her old friends. They all seem friendly, look for each other, and there is no need let someone will go home on their own, etc. What bothered me the most at first was that she was late with her friends. It took me a few days to get used to this new part of life, but we talked and I conveyed to her that it was only me who was concerned about her safety “I think she sensed that I was annoyed with her.” I'm just worried, although I really appreciate her keeping me informed of where she is and I know a lot of 18 year olds won't be so open.
Now one friend becomes a guy and stays with us overnight. This seems very fast and I find it hard to keep up V. This empty nest happens more suddenly than I do expectEd and I miss her, even though she's not gone yet.
I know I have no control. I know that I just need to be close to her and keep communication channels open. But Should I do more? I guess there are two problems: This is normal for her; and how to survive this period?
This is a big transition for both of you, but if for your daughter it's all about new experiences and “gains”, then for you it feels more like a loss. The reality is that it's about letting go of the old, embracing the new, and working through some feelings that may be uncomfortable for both of you.
It sounds like you have a really good relationship and have given your daughter a solid foundation to build on, which is an important next step. Her feeling is she Maybe leaving home is also good news. Some children feel that they cannot do this because they feel that their parents are too vulnerable or need help. As for the guy, are you comfortable with him staying at your house? You have a say here, just like any other friend you have left.
So the answer to your first question is, “Is she okay with this?” that's a resounding yes. She sounds capable and intelligent, but it's important that she doesn't feel responsible for your happiness. It's your responsibility and I speak as an Italian mom. Otherwise, she may stop coming to you if something bothers her, just as she will worry about you worrying.
I spoke to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Sarah Calvert, who felt it was important to understand that such separation is healthy: “This is exactly what needs to happen, even if it’s uncomfortable for both of you.” She wondered if you had taken the time to “identify specifically what is bothering you? Is this a concern for her safety? Feeling out of control? Perhaps fear of what life looks like when it's no longer “just the two of us”? Understanding your own fears is an important first step.”
It will also help you figure out what you need to work on and what is really bothering you about what might be wrong. If you can, talk about these fears out loud to a trusted friend. When we don't want to sit with unpleasant feelings, it's easy to brush them off or “do” rather than think about them, so it's really worth being brave and thinking through the questions Calvert raises.
“I would encourage you to have an open and honest conversation with your daughter about what kind of relationship she would like to have with you now,” she says. “What does she need from you at this stage? While she is building her independence, she will still need and benefit from your love and support, just in a different form.”
We'd both like you to consider what opportunities this next phase might bring. “What are your own needs and desires outside of parenting?” asks Calvert. “If you rely heavily on this relationship with your daughter to meet your emotional needs, it is worth exploring for your well-being and hers.”
Think about what brings you joy right now, take your time, reach out to your friends. Expect days that seem harder than others, but know that they will pass. This is an exciting new chapter in your mother-daughter relationship, but by no means the end of the story.
Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal issue submitted by a reader. If you need Annalisa's advice, please send your problem to: [email protected]. Annalisa regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our conditions. The latest episode of Annalisa's podcast is now available Here.
