Millennial Moms Are Embracing Lorelai Gilmore’s Parenting

When Gilmore Girls debuted on The WB in 2000, teenage girls everywhere adored the song. calm confident teenage character Rory. Played by Alexis Bledel, she had the kind of life teenagers dream of: a mom who treated her like an adult, an Ivy League-level intellect, cute guysand a hometown that looked like the smell of pumpkin all year round.

Today these teenage girls are grown up. Many of them created their own familiesand when they rewatch—and rewatch—the show, they no longer see themselves in Rory, but in her sarcastic, caffeine-obsessed mom Lorelai, played by Lauren Graham. “It's hard not to admire her,” says Shannon Healy, a single mother from Pennsylvania.

It's not just the character's rich supply of witty one-liners that has earned her a community of mom fans; Lorelai has the kind of relationship with her daughter that many women dream of. As she herself put it in one episode: “We are best friends first, mother and daughter second.” She's the “cool mom” millennials wished they had as teenagers and now want to become their own selves.

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Kiva Shuler is a parenting coach and CEO and co-founder of the Jai Parenting Institute. She is also the author of The Peaceful (R)Evolution of Parenting.

Of course, their relationship dynamic is a little extreme (it is a teen drama after all). But there are many real mothers who see a strong connection between the characters and trying to recreate this at home. Healy, for example, says she's intentionally followed in Lorelai's footsteps when it comes to her open, sharing-everything communication style. “I never wanted my daughter to feel like she had to hide anything from me,” she says. “I wanted there to be open lines of communication. I hope we can talk without judgment.”

Other moms love Lorelai's respect for her daughter. “Lorelai saw Rory as a person and tried to be there for her instead of forcing her to be something she wasn't—she wanted her to be herself without shame,” says one Southern mom who asked to just use Yellow. She says she feels differently about Lorelai's conscious way of raising Rory than what she experienced growing up under her parents' control.

She's the “cool mom” millennials wished they had as teenagers and now want to become their own selves.

“I think a lot of parents in our generation don't want to be like their parents were,” says parenting coach Kiva Schuler. She notes that while Lorelai's mother and father were oppressively strict and sometimes downright manipulative, Lorelai's parents come from a place of warmth and connection—which might appeal to those moms who diligently follow TikTok advice. gentle nurturing.

At the same time, there is something to be said about Lorelai's life beyond her motherhood. She has a successful career, close friendships and sexual romantic relationships. In many ways, Lorelai's approach stands in stark contrast to the style of modern parenting, which has become so intense and all-consuming that the US Surgeon General last year warned about this. What if raising children wasn't a job, but more based on friendship? Obviously, the role of “best friend” is much less demanding than the role of “anxious parent, completely overwhelmed by the stress of trying to raise the perfect child.”

“When we look at a lot of what's going on now and the very serious mental health issues, one conversation that I think we all really need to pay attention to is overparenting“It doesn’t have to look like this,” Schuler says.

On the other hand, Schuler notes that Rory is portrayed as an independent child who seemingly doesn't need much parenting, which lets Lorelai off the hook a bit. But still, she says there is value in Lorelai. more laissez faire. In your life like single mom and business owner Shuler says her two children have taken on a lot of responsibility at a young age. “I felt a little guilty about it for a while,” she admits. “But now that I look at who they are, I don't know that it was bad.”

To be clear, there are several Reddit threads questioning Lorelai's choices and debating whether she is a good parent. Many criticize her emotional immaturity, selfishness and lack of boundaries with Rory. “We all have a goal for our children to become our best friends at some point,” Schuler says. “But in a perfect world, this wouldn’t happen until the kids are fully ready, right?”

However, some modern moms say Lorelai's flaws only made her more influential in their own choices. For example, Yellow says she's learned how Lorelai often drags Rory into her own drama when it comes to things like her dating life and finances. “Sometimes I find myself unloading too much and falling back,” she says. “Honestly, as funny as it sounds, if I hadn’t watched Gilmore Girls and liked that part of raising Lorelai, I probably would have done it more!”

Meanwhile, Healy says watching Lorelai's problems with setting boundaries confirmed the same problems she herself faced. “She often crosses boundaries and blurs the mother-friend relationship, which is difficult for a single mother,” she says. “I know it's really difficult for me. You don't have a supportive partner, so being the bad guy can be very difficult.”

Schuler says that if Lorelai's character came to her for advice in real life, she would advise Lorelai to seriously examine and question her deep-seated desire to be a friend rather than a mother. “She will need to go through the process of really understanding the fear, grief or loss that is preventing her from being a parent,” she says. “This is a choice that has so much history and so many unmet needs.”

However, Schuler says that doesn't mean Lorelai is a bad parent or bad role model. She believes today's Gilmore Girl-loving moms can emulate the best of Lorelai while avoiding her mistakes. “We can be two things at once,” she says. “We can be warm. We can be compassionate. We may be curious about our children's worldviews and experiences, and we cannot assume that we know more about their lives than they know themselves. And we can also be their teacher, their mentor, their mentor.” (And maybe think twice before giving them a lot of coffee.)

Jennifer Heimlich is a writer and editor with more than 15 years of experience in fitness and wellness journalism. She previously served as senior fitness editor at Well+Good magazine and editor-in-chief of Dance Magazine. A UESCA Certified Running Coach, she writes about running and fitness for publications such as Shape, GQ, Runner's World and The Atlantic.