“I'm afraid of being dependent on things. I don't even drink coffee. So maybe I would give up my mental patterns that stop me from trying things out of fear that I'll rely on them.”
Photo illustration: Joe McKendry; Photo: Jerod Harris/Getty Images
The Maria Bamford Questionnaire is a series of 25 questions developed by favorite comedian uncover surprising truths about your respondents. In this episode, you'll learn about the Grammy-winning singer-songwriter. Lucy Dacuswhose companion album, Forever is a feeling: Archivesavailable for streaming Now. The album will be available on vinyl. in December.
This is a trick question because you should not eat or drink anything before bed. But some of my band and crew had a little secret tradition where we'd eat ice cream sandwiches before bed on tour, so it's kind of cute. And my father told me to take magnesium tablets, so I'm going to start doing that.
When I was in high school (so take that with a bit of high school), I had this thing called “posi-nihilism” where it was like: Nothing matters or matters, but that's not a bad thing; It's very liberating. We can make anything – or if we want to create our own meaning, great! This was my ideal as a teenager. So maybe something like that or some kind of worship of the root system of trees.
Maybe collagen? Actually, I wouldn't do this, so don't contact me, collagen people. But I started taking it on a whim, and then when I stopped taking it, I really noticed it, which made me realize it was real. I feel like my joints feel better when I take it, and all my friends who I've told to take collagen say, “I can't believe it's true.”
I usually say, “The people in my life will die without peace.” This is my fear. But, more personally, when I feel bad, every time I walk into a dark room, I think that someone will be waiting to kill me.
Yesterday I rewrote one of my songs with a group of kids. It was nice. That was part of it Celebrity replacement therapy thing, where is this cute guy Julian [Shapiro-Barnum] makes people hang out with kids. And now I'm afraid to perform this song live again because I'm afraid to say the new children's lyrics. It was so sweet and memorable.
I was also hanging out with a new group of friends, including Daniel Caesar, who just released a new record that was really great. Son of Sperga. It's really very great.
When I opened Zoom, I read a small announcement that said, “Can we collect your data?” So this is the last one. Before this, I read several messages from my friends. I'm in New York and don't live here, so I'm just trying to coordinate meetings with a group of people who are in the city. What I found out is Hayley Williams just left and my friend Jane has just returned to town. So I'll try to communicate with Jane.
Yesterday I was walking through Central Park and there was a table of sundries and I bought a wooden turtle.
Everything I've thought about so far, I don't want to talk about. [Laughs.] Hmm, I caught the end of my friend on the street being offered a company by a guy who is starting a credit card business where you have to spend about $15,000 a month. And I'm like: How pointless and evil is this? It was stupid.
I hated every second I spent in Las Vegas. I was there once with my mother and brother. We were only on the Strip, and I just felt the depression coming over me. I've heard there are other parts of Las Vegas that are great to visit, so maybe I'd go there, but maybe I don't need to go back to the Las Vegas Strip.
Thank God yes, and I've done it before, so luckily I feel like I can do it again. Honestly, I think Julienne would be happy if I stopped doing this and she would have to support me. [Laughs.] So I think I'm kind of lucky and I'm okay with that.
I feel like I have to say Survivor. I don't know if my back pain can handle this, but I'm curious what I would do next. Survivor or Traitors. I'd like to do this without cameras. I don't want anyone to watch. I just want to know what it means to compete.
I'm thinking about SurvivorI would try to figure out who I thought should win and then join them and try to go as far as I could with them. Because then if I lose, at least the one I want to beat can win. On TraitorsI think I could just take the hit. It depends on what you know. If you don't know anything, what can you do?
I do this by constantly digging my nails into my fingers. I don't notice it happening and then people have to tell me, “Stop it!” I have no idea how to stop. It's not that bad; It's just a little tic for me.
I'm afraid to depend on anything. I don't even drink coffee. So maybe I would let go of my mental patterns that stop me from trying things out of fear that I will rely on them.
I want to choose someone who really understands music. Who is the conductor of the LA Phil? I'll take a look. [Looks it up.] Gustavo Dudamel. I don't really know anything about him except that he is a very knowledgeable conductor. I just don't know much about music, so it would be cool to be in someone else's brain.
There was a day when I ate so much sugar. This was not the case. I was punishing myself. I didn't feel good the whole day after that.
We were in Manhattan and went to this place Am I a donut?Japanese donut chain, and their first location outside of Japan has just opened in Manhattan. I actively wanted to try it. They have a PBJ donut that was delicious. So it was intentional. But then some nice strangers bought us a bunch of sweets and baked goods at the store, and I ate them. Then my friend unexpectedly took me to the Russian Tea Room, which has a sandwich tower, as well as scones, pasta and chocolate. So it was really super duper overboard that day.
I don't think I envy any of the family members, except maybe my brother. He's a sculptor from rural Tennessee, and it sounds like glitzy glamor, but it's actually like golf clubs and roadside attractions. So he does these gigantic things – and frankly he should be paid more – but he can think on such a huge scale that I don't think I think about.
I never dyed my hair because when I was a kid I liked silver hair and all the adults said, “You just have to wait. It will happen.” I think I thought silver hair was as valuable as silver jewelry; it was as if the silver hair and silver jewelry were essentially gold. Now I have a ton of gray hair. My birth mother went gray at 25 and I'm on my way and just want to see them. But maybe when I'm older, when they're all gone, I'll dye my hair.
I'd go where I have friends – maybe Ireland, Scotland or France. Spain is great. And I think about it, so I have an answer.
This is a crazy question. Okay, this is a pretty non-specific thing, but some people just have a good sense of humor and it protects them when I want their feelings to be hurt even more. Like, people who, in my opinion, deserve to be laughed at can simply laugh it off. I think this is a good principle. If you were a good person, you had self-esteem and self-respect, and other people would attack you and say, “It doesn’t matter. This is stupid” is a good script. But when I don't like people, I'm just like: You shouldn't laugh at this. You must listen.
No, not my usual one. I ate mushroom and labneh toast and am drinking this crazy drink with apple cider vinegar, turmeric, ginger and cayenne pepper. Honestly, it's weird, but I'm trying to get better.
Maria Bamford. [Laughs.] Did everyone answer this? I think Maria Bamford is damn funny.
There's so much comedy out there that isn't funny. I don't go to comedy shows that often, but I'd say 80 percent of the time I get booed by the crowd. I think it's possible to be funny without making fun of people with disabilities, people of color, or transgender people. These comedians are lazy, lazy as hell, and it's not funny. And I don't like it when people say, “Come on, have a good sense of humor.” I'm like, “No. Have a better sense of humor. This is stupid.”
I have a lot of bird-friendly trees in my backyard and we have a lot of hummingbirds. So I sit on the back porch in the morning and watch the hummingbirds. And they're sitting, which isn't that common – like, we mostly see them flying, but they just sit down. And my friend's mom said, “It means they feel safe.” So I love sitting with a perched hummingbird.
What I find quite ugly are the disposable cups. I just think about how many things are thrown away in a day, or how at the end of the day you walk around the city and all you see are trash cans full of these things. These include plastic water bottles. This is disgusting.
I actually think about this a lot because I think a really good question is, “How could we take care of ourselves without money?” It's really asking, “What kind of money would it currently take to create a sustainable path where food, water, and shelter are sustainable?” So I'm studying this and trying to understand how this is possible. I definitely couldn't do this alone; it should be some kind of collaborative situation, but I would like to find an answer to this question. I'm sure people will say, “A billion dollars!” or “One hundred million dollars!” But I think it's actually a smaller number than people think.
Normal – for example, a car accident, illness, heart attack. One of the usual ones. I'm not special. It will probably be one of those regular type things. Although I hope I get older. I would really like that.
