When I was 17, I was a quiet observer on the periphery. This was often mistaken for wisdom. Now I'm 70 (and gay, by the way), I'm talkative and opinionated, and tend to interrupt others in conversation. I approached change honestly, so I don't beat myself up about it because I like to express myself. But I'm wondering if this is a normal progression, a loss of filters with age, or if I'm just losing my sociability – going off the rails in a sense.
While I enjoy being friendly with everyone and especially enjoying the company of women, I understand how easily they can be offended. I seem to give off a strong “new best friend” vibe, but sometimes when they get close I feel cramped and retreat. Flip-flops are obviously offensive and I don't mean to do that, but I think it's true to myself. Is this a destructive habit, and if so, should I lower my friendliness level?
Eleanor says: How responsible are we for how other people see us?
I think many people have some version of the experience you describe. Something in them seems to push them toward quick intimacy, and as a result they end up with relationships or expectations that they never intended to create. A friend of mine, a radio producer professionally trained to elicit intimate conversations, had kind of forgotten how not to do so in everyday interactions, and found that people opened up and became attached to them quite quickly—perhaps faster than any of them would have liked. And then comes the turn: that moment when the other person wants more than you were going to give, that moment when he feels consumed, and now everyone feels bad. They feel rejected by the slippers. You feel bad for causing pain and are terrified by the creepy mirror world of versions of yourself. It's all unpleasant and confusing, and everyone is wondering who is to blame.
On the one hand, there is a strong instinct to say, “It’s none of my business.” The version of me you created in your head is your responsibility. This is a strange puppet, very similar to me and speaks in my voice, but the movements are made by your hand – I didn’t say that I wanted to be your best friend. I didn't say yes to those expectations.
On the other hand, this pattern can cause genuine pain. No matter how we split the bill for damages, it still hurts. Even if we do not drag people along with us—if they are single-handedly deceiving themselves—we may have some obligation to prevent them from making a mistake if we can reliably predict that they will make it.
So problems on both hands! In your question I hear a connection between the two. You have two options: tone down the extroversion that finally feels exciting (and risks being untrue), or doing what feels self-expressive (and risks causing harm).
I guess which way you go depends on how is be true to yourself. And talkativeness, and the desire to retreat. They very well could have been.
Or they may be part of a pattern that you don't ultimately identify with. Sometimes we feel threatened or overwhelmed by completely normal demands for intimacy, but not because they actually are. threatening or unreasonable, but because something in our past has taught us that when you give a little, you lose a mile. The ghost in our memory makes ordinary attempts at communication feel like an intrusion. So we get angry at people for “demanding” things from us when in reality all they did was show interest or reciprocate the interest we showed them first. If your desire to retreat is not a reaction to truly unreasonable boredom—if it is shadow boxing with memory ghosts—then it is being dishonest with yourself. It also doesn't match what's actually happening.
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I'm not a therapist and don't know if this resonates with you. I know that if the choice is between being sincere or cutting yourself down to avoid misinterpretation, you are always allowed to choose authenticity. If it's truly authentic and not just a pattern that you can genuinely break.
*The letter has been edited for length.
