I am terrified to see how I behaved – Chicago Tribune

Dear Eric: Three years ago, I invited my 24-year-old son to live with me in my one-bedroom apartment while he saved up to buy his own place. I struggled with alcohol this entire time and then needed emergency surgery for something unrelated that devastated me physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.

I stayed sober for five months, worked on myself, and thought I was doing well because I was a good communicator, but that only seemed to make him angrier. He was dismissive, demeaning and defensive towards me and made me feel very unloved and unappreciated.

I recently had a very brief relapse and sought emergency psychiatric help.

He came to the hospital and we had an honest conversation. He told me about the trauma I had caused him over the months of drinking. Sure, I felt shame and expressed regret and apology when I got sober, but I had no idea how badly I treated him when I was drinking. Honestly, I don't remember. He said he saved my messages and videos when I was furious.

I feel like I need to know this. He said he would consider showing them to me someday, but right now he felt it would be too traumatic for him.

I'm scared to see how I behaved, but I need to fully understand and admit it. What should I do?

– I'm trying to heal

Dear Hill: Now is not the time to watch these videos. I don't think any of you are capable of controlling the emotions they are about to evoke. Moreover, if and when you see them, the action should have a recovery-oriented purpose. If they help you make more specific adjustments or if he needs you to see something specific so you can work together, that's one thing. But it doesn't look like where any of you are right now.

In the future, if you decide to review them together, you may want to do so in the presence of your sponsor or family therapist, who can help with the processing.

However, right now your son should pay attention to Al-Anon or SMART Family Recovery meetings. The trauma he experienced and the resentment he feels are directly related to each other, and unfortunately they will not go away on their own. Your recovery may continue to be a source of anger for him while he has emotional damage that goes unaddressed.

Ask him if he will let you help him find a meeting. Ask if you can go to a meeting with him. But let him take steps towards recovery on his own, and you can continue your recovery too.

Dear Eric: My 31-year-old daughter doesn't write thank-you notes. This saddens me because I have been modeling this for years; she's more than capable of it.

She had a very small wedding. Not a single thank you letter was written. She also didn't write thank you notes after receiving high school and college graduation gifts.

I'll throw her a baby shower soon. I'm toying with the idea of ​​giving her a stack of thank you notes in my heart to hopefully get her to do it. But at the same time, I don't want her to feel awkward (or do I?). What should I do?

– Without gratitude

Dear Ungrateful: Dropping thank you notes abruptly in the middle of her shower is a spicy option, but I think it will likely just derail the event and come across as passive-aggressive. Plus, her embarrassment will likely supersede the lesson you're trying to teach her.

She's grown up, so her habits don't affect you as much anymore. Yes, she should thank people for gifts. But if she doesn't, it's between her and the giver. Stressing about it will get you nowhere.

However, if you want to talk to her before the shower and make notes a requirement of your appointment, this could be an effective move that will allow her to enjoy the day without shame.