I am 54 years old and although I have been married for 22 years, I have been single for the last 14 years. I briefly remarried a few years ago, but that chapter didn't last long.
At this point in my life I feel truly content. I am on my own, but by no means alone. I have a work-life balance and am deeply grateful to my three daughters and grandchildren who bring me joy and purpose.
My question is: How can I let people know that I am happy the way I am? Friends and family often tell me that I “need” to find someone or that I shouldn’t be alone, as if my single status means that something is missing. Some people think I'm just waiting to meet the right person, but that's not true. Their comments are starting to bore me, making me doubt myself and feel depressed at times.
How can I get rid of the noise and unsolicited advice from those who think they know what is best for me, and get back to simply enjoying my life as it is – peaceful, independent and complete in its own way?
Eleanor says: How hard it is for people when someone says: “I don’t need this to be happy.” Anyone whose life deviates from conventional expectations gets it, even from well-meaning people close to them. Wait, are you saying you don't need a lot of money to be happy? Why don't you make more choices in pursuit of money? Oh, are you saying that you don't need children to be happy? But what will you do with the children?
This may seem patronizing, as if you are mistaken about whether your life is going well.
People don't always realize how presumptuous these questions seem when it comes to a partner. However, reverse the theme and it appears illuminated. Imagine telling someone who is married, happy, and has a decent job, “Now we just need to find you a better friend,” cheerfully, as if helping him keep his chin up. It's just an accident of our culture that the phrase: “Now you need to find a partner!” seems less weird!
To counter this – including perhaps in your own head – I wonder if you could play with different ways of describing things.
Sometimes people think they are describing things accurately, when in fact they are depicting the world with their own thoughts. They look at the stage and think because Identifier feel alone there his lonely. Or because Identifier I'm bored by this his boring. Perhaps people look at your life and think because Identifier feel incomplete without a partner, his incomplete.
But different people can describe the same scene in completely different ways. The risk is that you believe other people's descriptions when in fact they are just saying how they would do it. feel.
How would you describe your life if you said how you feel? Where other people see the absence of one type of relationship, perhaps you see the value of diversity. Where they see “a little lonely,” you see a calm confidence in self-sufficiency. Where they see someone who could have more, you see a person who has more than enough.
Using these descriptions when talking about your life, even to yourself, can be powerful. This is the difference between the thoughts: “I come home to an empty house” and “I come home to peace.” If people really insist on it, you can tell them directly how the scene in your life feels to you. “For me, what I see in the morning with my grandchildren is pure joy and undivided attention. I don't feel like anything is missing.” Or even, if my calculations are correct, “you see someone without a marriage. I see a person who had one at 18.” The point is not to say “trust me, I'm happy with this” but to change their perception of what this is to help them see your life as described by you, not theirs.
It looks like you're really happy. The fact that some people prefer to have a partner does not mean that the partner is objectively preferable. Don't let other people's descriptions of your life convince you that you are unhappy.
