Dear Eric, I am a 47-year-old guy who has been living with my 44-year-old wife for 12 years. Six years ago we decided to leave city life and buy land. We had long discussions about what this would entail – what work would be required, maintenance and so on.
My wife really liked the idea and assured me that she would help with anything needed for the property.
We both work full time. She hasn't lifted a finger since we moved here. I do most of the outside work, which is labor intensive, and she has to do most of the inside work around the house. I do the lion's share of everything since she is more interested in internet gaming and video streaming.
I have several health issues to deal with and doing everything myself is starting to tire me. When I try to talk about how she needs more help, or when I try to motivate her to help, she just zones out and continues to lie in bed with her online game.
I have noticed physical changes in her due to this lifestyle and everything I say in an attempt to get her to be more active and healthy is met with ridicule. What else can I do to get her moving?
– I do everything myself
Dear Self: You may not be able to change your wife and it is not your responsibility. There is something between you that is not being talked about, perhaps on both sides. You need to find a way to talk about it. The best route is marriage counseling. You can approach this issue with a specific question. I would suggest asking the question: “Is this house still right for us?” The territory is an albatross at the moment, so you need a safe space with a neutral third party where you can both be honest about how you feel and what you want your marriage to be.
Dear Eric! A friend of mine has a 31 year old son who is dying of liver disease after a failed transplant.
I understand that a person’s life expectancy is determined by higher powers. However, I feel very strongly about the fact that this young man is suffering and most likely will not survive, while a particular person in my life who lived to be 90 years old was nothing more than a narcissistic, selfish, hateful and unhappy person.
This woman was a very close relative of mine and took every opportunity to berate and ridicule most of the people she knew, including me and many others.
She required 24-hour care for the last five years of her life, which was great, but something she complained about endlessly.
I can't help but feel that the attention and care she received from the staff was wasted and may have taken time and resources away from other patients needing help.
When she finally died in her sleep, I didn't shed a tear.
I know life isn't fair, but the situation with my friend's son is very sad. I can't help but think about how different these two end of life situations are.
I would appreciate your advice on how to move on from milking my late relative's situation while simultaneously supporting my friend whose young son is dying.
– Unfair fate in life
Dear Life: I'm sorry your friend's son is dying. You're right: it's unfair, and it's okay to admit it. However, your grief seems to be related to something that has nothing to do with you and will not help you. This is very normal. Grief clings to the most random things; it appears at random times and in random places; it is hungry and opportunistic. But every time you think of an older person in your life who complained, remind yourself that they didn't get more than their fair share. If she had less time or valued her time more, it wouldn't affect what your friend's son gets.
This is good news because it means we are not depriving others simply by living. Our actions certainly can. Our management of the world's resources certainly can. But everyone has their own set number of days.
There are larger philosophical or religious questions about why some people get less or less in life. I would encourage you to talk to your religious leader about the grief and confusion you feel. Also talk about your anger because it may be easier and more appropriate for you to be angry at another person in your life than to be angry at life or a higher power. It's not a crime to be angry. It's natural. But only by admitting it can you get through it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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