The holidays aren't fun for everyone. Some are dealing with new or old pain of loss or struggling with difficult family relationships that suck the magic out of the season. Others are concerned about the high financial burden that comes with all these gifts, or the anxiety associated with having to attend a string of social events. All these and many other reasons can trigger a decision to abandon holiday celebrations.
“Some people just want to see what it's like to have space for themselves this time of year,” says Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “They want to give themselves permission to try something new and really understand why they say yes and no, figuring out what is optional for them and what feels most sincere to them.”
But what do you tell your friends and family who may be finding it difficult to cope with your absence? We asked experts what exactly to say if you miss the holidays.
“I wanted to let you know that we are not going to be there for Christmas this year and I know that is disappointing.”
If you're taking a year off from your annual family gathering, there's one important rule to remember: let the people waiting for you know as soon as possible. “Don't delay,” says Andrea Dindinger, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Francisco. “When you let people know, they can move on with their lives and say, 'OK, there'll be four less people at the table.'
Read more: How to Write the Perfect Holiday Card
Don't expect everything to be easy. “It will still mean a lot, especially if they're feeling really sentimental on the actual holiday,” she says. “But it gives them a little time to process their disappointment and sadness and potentially show some empathy for how difficult your decision was.” If this rings true, Dindinger suggests telling your relatives, “I'll miss you, too.”
“I appreciate that you are thinking of me, but I will not be participating in any holiday activities this year. I hope you have a great time!”
This is a clear, direct and kind way to let your friends and family know that you won't show up, leaving no room for anyone to believe otherwise. “You have to be firm because otherwise people will try to change your mind or make you feel bad about those boundaries,” says Lontonia Bryant, a licensed clinical mental health counselor in Jacksonville, North Carolina. “This strikes a balance between respecting your truth and showing respect for others, which is key in any conversation about setting boundaries.”
“I feel a lot of heartache this time of year and I want to see if it would be better to take a step back rather than repeat the same patterns.”
This is an honest and thoughtful way to explain why you are not participating in the holiday celebrations. “It allows you to name your emotions and offer some context for your decision,” Lurie says. Also, when you phrase it this way, you are promoting understanding rather than discussion. “It’s okay to respect what you think is right,” she adds. “If you find it more calming and caring to give yourself space to be with your grief, you can tell people that.”
“I can't actually participate in the gift giving this year. I'm very concerned about money and it's hard and inconvenient.”
Money weighs heavily on the minds of many people. According to the survey According to the American Psychiatric Association, 41% of respondents are feeling more stressed this holiday season than in previous years, and 46% cited finding or giving gifts to their loved ones as their top stressor.
Read more: 8 Polite Ways to Decline a Party Invitation
If it resonates, Dindinger suggests setting clear boundaries, even if it makes you feel awkward or uncomfortable. “You're not blaming anyone and you actually have real financial responsibility,” she says. You might even suggest an alternative approach. For example, you could send a group message to your best friends in college: “I wanted to talk about our Secret Santa plans,” Dindinger suggests saying. “I can’t participate financially this year, so I was wondering if we could change the tradition and write each of our people a little thank you note instead.” It costs nothing and is likely to be much more meaningful than regular celebrations.
“I can’t join this year, but I’d love to hear how it goes.”
If you have a regular date in Nutcracker with friends, but this year you are not ready for it, share this news in a short and sweet message. Dindinger likes this phrasing because it conveys a determination, as well as an interest in your friends' experiences, even if you won't join them. “People want you to leave. They like you,” she says. “You're letting them know that you still care about them and you care about their experience. There's kindness in that.”
If you get a persistent response (“Why?!?”), there's no need to come up with excuses or explanations, she adds. Just stop asking questions like, “I appreciate you asking. There's no plan for that this year.”
“I'm taking this season to rest and recuperate – that's what I really need right now.”
Rest is a valid need, and the holidays can cause that downtime if you miss regular obligations. “You might be thinking, 'I need to spend a lot of money, I need to be around people I don't like or don't like me, I've been working non-stop and the world is a little crazy right now,'” Bryant says. “Making time to rest—physically, emotionally, and mentally—is so important.” There's nothing wrong with gently asserting that boundary, she adds, and turning the holidays into a luxury getaway instead of extra work.
“Can we schedule a one-on-one meeting to catch up?”
“When someone sends you a vacation invitation that you plan to turn down, thank them for thinking of you,” Lurie advises. Then tell them that you are going slower this year and won't be able to make it, but would like to catch up one-on-one. This way, it's clear that your decision to refuse “is not a refusal to give up on the person or spending time with them,” she says.
Read more: 5 Ways to Survive the Holidays If You're a Scrooge
Besides, if you saw them hosting a holiday get-together for 25 of their closest friends and family, you probably wouldn't be able to talk. “There's no opportunity to sit down and really catch up or feel like you're emotionally offering each other the support that you both might need,” Lurie says. “The opportunity to connect one-on-one can better provide that,” while offering much-needed relief from the pressures of the holidays.
Want to know what to say in a difficult social situation? E-mail [email protected]
