The holidays can be a stressful time, and if you plan to spend it with loved ones who have opposing political views, the prospect of getting into an argument can make things even more unsettling.
There is an old saying that advises people to avoid talking about politics altogether. And while it may be the best option to protect yourself in certain situations, experts tell TIME that sometimes discussing this issue can actually be beneficial for people's family relationships.
“I would strongly encourage people to have these conversations,” says Lynn Bufka, a practice director at the American Psychological Association and a licensed clinical psychologist. “I think that’s one of the problems we have in our country right now is we don’t listen to people with points of view that are different from ours.”
But she and Sarah Herstich, a licensed clinical social worker in Horsham, Pennsylvania, recommend keeping certain things in mind if you're going to have these discussions. Here are their tips for having productive conversations with family members about politics during the holidays.
Think about where and when you are going to talk.
Bufka encourages people to think about the best time and place to discuss this topic. Her recommendations: First, don't do it when everyone is drinking. And consider talking in a more private setting. She notes that not everyone at the dinner table will want to talk about politics. Discussing with a large number of people can also make one person feel attacked if their point of view puts them in the minority among those present, which can immediately put them on the defensive.
“Are you talking at the family dinner table or going for a walk with someone, getting away from the crowd so you can both maybe be a little more honest and vulnerable about each person's point of view?” – says Bufka.
“Sometimes,” she suggests, “it can be helpful to have difficult conversations while you're doing something together, like going for a walk, making cookies, or something you can share while you're talking.”
Try to understand their point of view or find common ground.
Bufka encourages people to approach conversations about politics from the perspective of wanting to understand the other person's point of view, rather than trying to convince them to change their mind.
“If you're willing to say, 'I want to understand these people I care about and why I want to talk to them,' then you're setting yourself up for much more success,” she says. “There's no guarantee that the person you're talking to will approach it the same way, and maybe you need to introduce it and say, 'I know we don't see eye to eye on X and we might be scared to talk about it, but I'd like to try.'
And even if you and your loved one disagree on political issues, remember that there may be some common ground, experts urge. Both sides may want the economy to grow, for example, but disagree on what that looks like and how to achieve it, Bufka says. Finding that common ground could help bridge the distance between them.
“If it's someone you really care about, remember that there's probably some common ground, some shared value that you can come back to,” Herstich says. “I think so often that we are all so polarized that we forget that we can be in relationships with people who believe different things.”
That common ground could simply be that you both value your relationship and don't want to lose it, she says. Simply reminding yourself of this can help reduce tension in a conversation.
Don't attack them directly
Conversations about politics can get heated, but Bufka recommends avoiding insults or disrespect for the person you're talking to. Don't say things like 'you're an idiot' or 'you're stupid' or even 'how could you have that point of view?'” she says. Such comments will not help you move towards understanding.
“If you don't respect a person, you won't actually improve your relationship with them and you're unlikely to move toward any shared understanding or ability to understand their point of view,” Bufka says. “We adults also don’t want to teach the children around us that the way we interact with people is that we don’t respect them.”
Set boundaries and know when to end a conversation.
The conversation may get to the point where you and the people you're talking to have to agree or disagree. Bufka and Herstich recommend setting that boundary and knowing when to end the discussion and leave respectfully. And if you're expecting the conversation to be really difficult, you might want to plan your way out. Herstich suggests that if a discussion becomes too difficult, people could say, “I need to take a short break,” or change the topic to something less stressful. The most important thing to remember if you're having this conversation is to “maintain your integrity and safety in the relationship,” Herstich says.
In some cases, it may be too difficult to have a conversation at all. Both Bufka and Herstich say some people may face real risks in participating in these discussions—for example, people who feel marginalized in the current political climate and feel unsafe around their families.
“It really depends on the person—the dynamic and the family and whether politics is part of the regular conversation,” Herstich says. “If the trajectory is generally bad—if someone habitually talks about politics with family and it quickly goes downhill—then perhaps setting boundaries around not talking about politics during the holidays could be a really supportive step.”
But she says, “If you have a family dynamic where people are open and not dehumanizing each other, and it can feel productive and people can feel heard even if they disagree, then that's a different story.”
Be careful with yourself
If you're struggling because your family members have different political beliefs, and you feel like you have to limit the time you spend with them because of it, Herstich recommends that you be kind to yourself.
“The grief in this is real—the grief of losing a relationship that you may have hoped for or even thought you had,” she says. “Be very gentle with yourself.”
