If you saw Nora McInerney at her 35-year-old husband's funeral, you might think she'd never looked better. That was the consensus “according to so many people,” she says, partly perhaps because she had lost weight after barely eating for months, but also because she continued to insist that she was absolutely, completely, completely fine.
This, of course, was a lie she told herself and others. “I felt the worst I had ever felt, and I felt nothing at all,” she says. “So what did I do? I just stood there and told everyone I was fine and changed the subject. I told everyone I was fine, to the point that everyone in my life believed me. “She's doing great! Look at her! Look at her Instagram! She's doing great.”
McInerney is the author of books, including It's okay to laugh (it's okay to cry too) And No happy ending— hosts a podcast Thanks for asking (formerly known as Terrible, thanks for askingthe answer is always on the tip of her tongue). Within six weeks in 2014, her father died, her husband died of brain cancer, and she miscarried her second child. It makes sense, then, how much time she spent thinking about what to say when someone asks you how you're doing, and the truth is not “good.”
What is the correct answer? We asked McInerney and other experts how to determine what's best.
Flip the script
About a year ago, Jennifer K. Veyo set a goal for herself: She would try to never respond with “I'm fine” or “I'm fine” if she didn't really feel that way. When she catches those words coming out of her mouth (which still happens sometimes), she corrects herself and tells the other person that she's trying not to stick to the script that we all usually expect.
“We know what we should say: 'I'm fine, how are you doing?' But that's often not the case, says Veilleux, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville who studies emotions. “Now it has become a habit to try to reflect and say: “Well, how I am Am I doing? Am I okay or not? How can I answer this question in a way that reflects the reality of my moment?”
Read more: 11 Words to Say When Someone Dies Other than “I'm So Sorry”
Veyo wants to avoid “expressive suppression,” or the tendency to hide feelings from other people. “He holds up a smiling mask while everything inside is crumbling,” she says. Research shows that suppressing emotions is associated with increased anxiety, depression and stress, as well as poor relationships. “Emotions are designed to be expressed—that’s one of their functions,” she says. When people get too used to holding back their feelings to cope or manage their feelings, “that’s associated with a lot of psychological problems.”
After she vowed, “There’s nothing wrong with me,” Veilleux found that people responded “really well” to her more honest answers. “I think we as humans crave connection and belonging—it’s a basic human need,” she says. “So it feels refreshing to have a real answer to this question.”
First, assess the person's ability to understand the truth.
As a child life specialist and therapist, Kelsey Mora specializes in supporting families affected by illness, grief, and tragedy. “In other words,” she says, “they are often families in which “all is not well.”
It can be helpful to gauge how willing the person asking you how you're doing to hear an uncomfortable truth, especially if they don't already know what you're going through, Mora says. You could phrase it this way: “Are you ready for an honest answer?” – Do you really want to know? Or: “Do you need a long answer or a short answer?” “The point is not to shield or protect other people's feelings from reality,” she adds. This is to ensure they can provide you with the support you need.
McInerney believes it's about finding agreement in conversation. Sometimes she texts her best friend and says, “Can I call you and give myself a complete nervous breakdown?” The answer could be “of course” or “of course, but in 15 minutes.” “Then I won’t have to be angry that she didn’t answer,” she says. “I shouldn't feel disappointed.”
Keep these helpful answers handy
Depending on how much you want to share, you can respond truthfully in different ways when someone asks how you are doing. It's not easy What you say but How you say what matters. For example, Veilleux sometimes responds: “Honestly? I'm on the fight bus right now – this week is very busy.” She says this in a positive tone and has a “you know what it is” laugh. She found that people tended to sympathize and intervene: “I hear you! This time of year is hard.” “It’s honest but doesn’t require a lot of disclosure,” she says.
Veilleux also keeps these answers in his back pocket:
- “I know I'm supposed to say I'm okay, but I'm actually not okay right now.”
- “I’m standing, that’s all I can say.”
- “We’re making progress…barely.”
- “To be honest, it’s not that great.”
- “I’m having a hard time right now.”
Each answer is truthful and invites the other person to ask what's going on without making them feel obligated to do so, she says. “You'll either get an interested and compassionate response of, 'Tell me more, you can lash out at me,'” she says, “or you'll get an 'Oh, bummer' response where the person says, 'I don't need your feelings right now.' When the latter happens, you can try again with someone else who has more listening abilities,” adds Veyo.
Read more: 10 Ways to React to Someone's Bad News
If you're debating what to say, keep in mind that an honest answer is more important than the “right one,” says Tyler Coe, creator How are we today?a PBS sitcom that aims to help people talk more openly about mental health. For a long time, Coe hid his experience of bipolar disorder, never revealing how he really felt.
Now, when people ask him how he's feeling, he pauses, evaluates how he really feels, and then answers truthfully. This could mean him saying, “I'm having a rough day,” when he's with a friend, or letting them know, “I'm not okay right now, but I'm working on it.” He may also give this warning: “Hey, I'm going to break free right here, but I'm just going to honestly tell you how I feel.” If he's at work, he can choose the “I'm coping” option.
“The key is not to perform 'well' when you're not,” he says, while acknowledging that it probably won't feel natural at first. “I’m honest about who I am, but it took me my whole life to get to this point.”
Even if that's not the case, “okay, thanks” sometimes helps.
If you're checking out at Target and the cashier asks you how you're doing and the truth is that your life is in shambles, it's probably best to just say you're fine. The same thing happens if you pass a colleague in the hallway and you only have 30 seconds to get where you need to go.
There are other situations where it makes sense to stick to a script: for example, if you're talking to someone who didn't care about your feelings or who hurt you in the past, Veilleux says.
If you just don't want to talk about how you're doing, you can protect yourself by saying, “I'm fine,” Mora adds. She also likes this way of setting boundaries while maintaining sincerity: “Honestly, it's been hard, but I'm not quite ready to talk about it right now.” This can work, for example, when you're about to give a presentation at work and can't afford to show up out of order. “It's okay to say whatever you need to function,” she says, as long as you find a way to let your feelings out at other times.
Remember: Most people care
When McInerney was struggling but telling everyone she was fine, she assumed they could read her mind and just know how she really felt. “I thought that was a reasonable expectation,” she says. “I’m lying right to your face, but I want you to somehow feel that I’m lying to you.” She believed that by downplaying her grief, she was doing the right thing: “What is our national anthem in America? It's: 'You're okay, hold your hands;' anyone can do it,” she says. “If you can't, it feels like a personal failure.”
However, if you continue to hide the truth from people, they will believe you when you say there's nothing wrong with you, she says – and you won't be doing yourself or others any good. Looking back, McInerney regrets forcing herself to smile instead of leaning on her friends. She said she hurt people who wanted to support her during her darkest days, and she had to work to repair those relationships.
Read more: How to reconnect with the people you care about
“I robbed them of the opportunity to be the friends that they are and that they wanted to be to me,” she says. “This is what it means to be loved: if you knew that someone you loved was going through difficulties, wouldn’t you want to know the truth?”
As you consider how to respond when someone asks you how you're doing and you're not okay, McInerney urges, “Give people a chance and let them love you.”
Want to know what to say in a difficult social situation? E-mail [email protected]
