While parenting has always been a challenging task, raising children in today's world is exceptionally stressful. In addition to balancing work and family life, parents worry about the state of the world, their finances, and the safety and mental health of their children.
With so many things to worry about, parenting stress has reached its peak. A 2023 survey found that almost 50% of parents felt completely overwhelmed almost every day.
As emotion-focused psychotherapists, we know that stress is spreading. Children can quickly detect their parents' stress by their tone of voice or facial expressions, such as furrowed brows or frowns. A heavy sigh is also a sign.
The ability to pick up on another person's emotions is called “emotional contagion” When children watch their parents suffer, the brain's mirror neurons are activated, causing stress hormone levels to rise. cortisol hiss. All this happens in an instant, often unconsciously.
Because children rely on their parents for safety and care, their brains are wired to pay attention to their caregiver's stress level. This is necessary for survival. Exposure to constant high levels stress can affect a child's behavior, concentration, and ability to control their emotions.
Although stress cannot be stopped, parents can prevent it from spreading to their children. It all starts with making friends with your own emotions and practicing mindfulness to stay calm amid life's chaos. Here's how.
Acknowledge stress and ground yourself in the moment.
To relieve stress, it is important to acknowledge it and take thoughtful action.
To prevent stress from building up, we encourage parents to focus on the here and now. Just observe your surroundings and identify one thing you see and one thing you hear.
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This practice will help you get out of your head, where rumination and worry fuel stress, distracting you from the present. Research shows that attraction feelings promotes body awareness, which helps regulate stress. Staying grounded in the present moment helps parents stay afloat. This tells children that even when challenges arise, you can take responsibility for your response, which gives them strength.
Slow down your body
Stress manifests itself in the body. Many parents we have worked with have noticed tension in their shoulders or pressure in their chest.
Take, for example, a parent we know—let's call him Chris—who recently lost his job. Like most parents, he tried to protect his children from stress. He monitored their daily routine and took them to school and the park.
But they felt their father's difficulties. Chris's children noticed his smile turn into a frown. They also caught his impatience when walking the dog or cleaning the kitchen. Instead of his usual calm demeanor, Chris performed this work with sharp and fast movements. And even when he told his children, “I'm not upset,” they noticed his rude tone.
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Next time you feel like Chris, take a break and check in with your body.
Just take 60 seconds to slow down. Feel your feet on the ground. Take five deep, extended breathsallowing the belly to bulge out like a Buddha. Exhale slowly, pursing your lips, as if you were blowing on a hot spoon of soup.
When stress increases, the idea of taking a deep breath can seem like a useless life hack. However, research show Deep belly breathing stimulates the vagus nerve, which causes the body to relax. As a result, the level of stress hormones decreases and relief occurs.
Name your emotions
Stress is never alone; it shares the spotlight with other emotions. However, because our society does not teach us to name and validate our feelings, we learn to block and suppress them.
Parents may drink an extra glass of wine, avoid tough conversations, or judge themselves harshly when they are stressed. This behavior is a protective defense that protects us from emotions that seem unbearable.
Mindfulness is the first step to naming our emotions. Together with Chris and the other parents we work with, we provide a plan of action. It's an emotional health tool we call the Change Triangle that we parents also use when stress arises.
Originally developed by Dawid Malan for psychotherapists, I (Hilary) have adapted it to help the general public. The Change Triangle allows you to identify your emotional state and guides you towards a calmer state.
When Chris used the Change Triangle, he scanned his body from head to toe. He noticed how fast his heart was beating and felt the urge to run: two physical signs of fear. Chris realized he was afraid of losing his income, even though his severance package would cover bills for several months. He also noticed heaviness in his heart and pressure in his eyes. Chris realized that along with fear he also felt sad.
Fear and sadness are basic emotions. Fear warns us of danger, and sadness tells us there is something to mourn. Chris missed his work and his colleagues. Once he named and validated his emotions, Chris felt more relieved and his body became calmer.
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Feeling more relaxed, he spoke to his children in a softer tone and they shared moments of joy together. Chris's children felt comfortable in his presence, and when he told them that “everything would be okay,” they believed him.
As parents, we are encouraged to help our children “use their words” when their strong feelings take over. But this practice also gives us strength. Placing the tongue in our emotions called the “name of emotions”, and research shows that it helps reduce their intensity.
Releasing Emotions Through Adaptive Actions
Basic emotions are pre-programmed in the brain to help us survive. They are not under conscious control. These emotions motivate us to take actions that benefit us. Examples include slowing down and seeking support when we are sad, running away from danger when fear is triggered, or setting boundaries when we are angry.
By allowing himself to feel his emotions, Chris was able to identify what he needed. He walked vigorously while listening to his favorite music and encouraged himself by reminding himself that his stress was temporary. These techniques, known as “state changers,” can help shift our emotional states. Other examples include taking a hot shower, exercising, and journaling.
Thanks to the use of these sedatives, Chris' nervous system was no longer on high alert. And because his body was in a more stable state, Chris became more patient, curious, and compassionate towards his children, which helped them all feel more connected.
Acknowledging stress, slowing down, and naming your emotions will help you feel more relaxed. In a calmer state, your stress does not come out and upset your children. Through these simulations, children learn that stress can be successfully managed.
