How to cope with ‘death anxiety,’ according to a hospital chaplain : NPR

About a year after starting work as an interfaith chaplain at Tampa General Hospital in Tampa, Florida, J. S. Park began experiencing what he calls “really terrible death anxiety.”

“I saw all the ways people can get injured, especially working in a trauma center,” he says.

When he was with his wife and children, he thought, “This may be the last time I hear them laugh and see their faces like this,” he says.

Over time, this “fear of death” transformed into something else: an appreciation of the present moment, says Park, who often writes on this topic on his Instagram. “When death is at the forefront of your mind, it's almost like life takes on this richer texture.”

Death is often an uncomfortable and even shocking topic for many people. But in his 10 years as a hospital chaplain—a job Park describes as “somewhere between a priest and a therapist”—he realized that talking about it can help prepare us for the reality that “it could happen at any moment to any of us.”

Park, author While you need: permission to grievetalking to Life Kit about what death really looks like, and how Hollywood gets the last minutes of a patient's life wrong. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

We all die, but no one wants to talk about the dying process. Why is this?

Dying is scary. This is what happens to my patients and their families when someone is faced with a difficult diagnosis. A family member or healthcare professional will jump in and say, “It happened for a reason,” or “everything will be okay.”

It used to infuriate me to hear such platitudes. They kept silent about this man's suffering, his illness, his fear.

It still makes me angry, but over time, [I've learned that] under [those one-liners] it's existential panic. The whole room is confronted with their fragility and mortality, with the horror that we will all die and head into this void. It is the fear of death that makes us say such strange, inappropriate and inappropriate things.

What should we expect to see when visiting a dying loved one?

One of the things that shocks families is the sound of their loved one breathing. It sounds like choking, because it is. The body tries to get as much oxygen as possible to continue living even if it dies.

And if they're intubated or undergoing a procedure, that's natural. [for their bodies to] fight. The body defends itself. So the starting point [for me as a chaplain] is to talk about how resilient the body is, [how it is] resisting all these medical measures.

There is a feeling of guilt because many families see this and think it hurts them. Should I keep doing this?

This is a voice worth listening to. Sometimes this means: yes, we want this person to be comfortable, we should stop.

What else should we expect to see in the very last stages?

When someone is in the hospital for hours, days, weeks, they cannot maintain hygiene. or exercise.

If you see a loved one who you have not seen for a long time and who is in the hospital for at least some time, there will be a certain deterioration in their condition. It's like your body is trying on death before dying.

Let's talk about talking while a person is dying. Sometimes movies show important moments when you go and make up with someone. How likely is such a moment?

It's so rare to know that you're having the last conversation with someone while you're both awake and aware. People who die can be kept alive by life support systems, but they are no longer conscious.

That's why I always say [the families of the patients] that whatever you want to say, you can tell them now. It's important that when they die, we tell them everything we always wanted to. They may not be able to answer, but we think they might still be able to hear.

One of my best friends, John, died six years ago. I didn't know if he could hear me or not, but I still talked to him and told him about my day. I want to believe that he heard everything I had to say. This was my last conversation with him.

How can friends and family support someone who is dying?

Everyone has a special way that they [want to] be emotionally inclined. The important thing is that we do not burden the person who is suffering with something we think they will need or by asking so many questions.

What bothers me the most is the text “Hey, if you need anything, let me know” or “Hey, how are you?” It is my responsibility to try to satisfy this person's curiosity.

But if someone texts me and says, “Hey, can I bring you dinner?” For me, this is what I like.

How do you start thinking about death and death without obsessing over it?

Probably the best way is to start making decisions about what death looks like. [for you].

What do I want to do with all my stuff? What are my wishes if I end up on life support? How would I like to die if I ended up in a hospital or under the care of a team?

I have had patients write in their wills, “Hang pictures of my family around me while I die.” Let my dog ​​come in to say goodbye so they know I'm dying.

These small moments of autonomy are what bring comfort and solace in death, and they give us some dignity. And it is important to have these discussions as early as possible.

The digital story was edited by Megan Keane and art directed by Bec Harlan. We'd like to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at [email protected].

Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts And Spotifyand subscribe to our newsletter. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit.