NEW YORK — When Jennifer Austin met Molly in second grade, they quickly became best friends. They giggled in class until the teacher separated them, encouraging them to come up with their own language. They slept together and went on family vacations with each other.
But they gradually drifted apart after Austin's family moved to Germany before the girls entered high school. Decades passed before they were recently reunited as adult women.
“Strong friendships really last a long time,” Austin, 51, said. “Even if there are pauses between them and they disappear, this does not mean that they completely dissolve or are forgotten. They always seem to linger, like a little light behind.”
Early friendships are some of the deepest: classmates who rode bikes together and loved sweets. Roommates who provided comfort after a breakup. Those who know us sometimes better than we know ourselves.
But as adults take on work and responsibilities at home and family, it becomes difficult stay in touch With everyone we loved.
Technology also plays a role. Loneliness has increased since television was invented and intensified with the advent of smartphonesAccording to psychologist Marisa Franco, assistant clinical professor at the University of Maryland and author of The Platonist, a book about the science of attachment.
Having lost touch with friends, some people do not want to reach out to them for fear of being rejected. But most of those who receive help appreciate the efforts more than we expect, Franco said.
“People are happy to hear from their old friends and are open to communication,” she said.
Franco suggests remembering a shared memory spanning time and distance. It could be something as simple as, “This photo came up and I just knew I wanted to check on you,” she said. Offer a meeting. If your friend lives far away, try making a phone date to meet up.
Below are six people who tried to start the fire. lost friendship reflect on distance, loss and reunion.
Heather Robb and Lane DiPasquantonio were nearly inseparable in their 20s when they both lived in Boston. They went to concerts and relaxed together. DiPasquantonio was there when Robb met her future husband and attended their wedding as a bridesmaid.
But some time after Robb got married and DiPasquantonio moved to Colorado, their circle of friends fell apart. They became busy raising children, combining work and caring for aging parents.
“It’s terrifying because you don’t know it’s happening,” Robb, 60, said in a joint interview. “I think it was just space and time. We were all in different cities, we were all in that busy toddler time.”
Years passed with the occasional holiday card and text message, but few meaningful interactions. DiPasquantonio saw photos on social media of Robb skiing and traveling with other friends. “I wasn’t sure there was that much room for me at a distance,” she said.
“Oh, I don't like it,” Robb replied. “I would say that’s the bad side of social media.”
The women found their way to each other when Robb, president of Heather Robb Communications, went on a business trip to Denver in April. She called to see if DiPasquantonio wanted to have dinner. “I didn’t know if she would be so happy to hear my opinion. I actually felt some trepidation when I approached her,” Robb said.
When she did, Robb learned that her friend was going to have surgery for breast cancer. Instead of dinner, DiPasquantonio, a job placement specialist at Harmony Senior Referrals, invited Robb to stay for the weekend. A mutual friend came to visit them.
“I was so pleased that you called and wanted to meet. It was amazing,” DiPasquantonio, 63, said during the interview. – Why did we take so long, huh?
They have remained close ever since.
“It feels so good. It feels like something is missing,” Robb said.
18-year-old Reyna Dominguez felt the same way. best friend from first grade. But when Dominguez moved from Long Island to Brooklyn, her friend went to college. Dominguez started working at a beauty salon, and their schedules did not match. About six months passed without communication.
After graduating from cosmetology school, Dominguez texted a friend to share the news.
“I was a little worried that she wouldn't answer. But she did and I was so relieved and happy,” Dominguez said.
Now they communicate about once a month and plan to meet.
“It’s important to stay connected because sometimes I get lonely, like I have no one to talk to,” Dominguez said. “But with her, she knows everything about my life.”
Dominguez encourages anyone thinking about reaching out to an old friend to go ahead. “I say just do it. You have nothing to lose,” she said. “I think the worst thing they could do is not answer you, but I feel like you’ll still be satisfied with the thought, ‘I tried.’”
Andrew Snyder's best friend since 5th grade lives just a short plane ride away, but that doesn't stop them from staying in touch. They call or email each other at least once a month and see each other several times a year.
They visited each other's homes at key points in their lives, “so when we talk about things we can really understand,” said Snyder, 50, who teaches philosophy and economics in New York.
Living in different cities requires work to stay connected, but it's important to Snyder, who feels friendships are thinning as people spend more time staring at cell phone screens.
“Friendship, cooking your own meals, playing sports and being outdoors are things that used to be real life, and now I think those things are fading away,” Snyder said. “I no longer think the real problem is time. I think the real problem is the feeling of depression and emptiness that we all feel.”
Kim Ventresca, 22, grew apart from her best friend during college. She reached out to her several times and they met again when her friend was having a hard time. But they stopped talking again when Ventresca faced mental health and relationship issues. Eventually, another young woman told Ventresca that she no longer wanted to be friends.
“Now I have new friends and I feel like it’s probably better this way because some things happen for a reason,” she said. “I hope she’s okay and that she’s doing well.”
Ventresca, who works as a social media manager and secretary in New Jersey, said she still recommends reaching out to missing friends, even if it's awkward.
“The worst thing that can happen is that you get left on read, or delivered, or rejected,” she said.
After Austin's family moved to Germany, she didn't see her childhood best friend for 20 years due to a chance encounter on a New York City subway platform. They briefly reestablished contact, but contact was lost again.
Molly's visit with one of her children in 2021 to a college near Austin's home provided another chance to rekindle the friendship. They have remained close ever since.
“Something just changed at that point,” said Austin, owner of KindPoint Communications. “Things really took off, and we basically said outright, 'Let's continue to build momentum. Let's not wait another 20 years.”
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