How can I break up with a man who loves me, is very kind and generous, provides stability, but makes me feel cold and irritable most of the time?
I am 36 years old, we have been together for four years. During this time, its stability provided me with a foundation for growth and expansion in the most wonderful ways. Now I feel suffocated. He's a great person, but he's not interested in ever leaving his hometown to try something new (I'm an immigrant). His only interests are pubs and football, and when we go abroad he wants to spend most of his time in the pub, which pisses me off.
I have dreams of traveling the world, becoming a writer, and living in a van. I value solitude and have a very rich inner life. I don't think I really want any kind of romantic relationship again. I look beyond the ordinary and truly believe that we can live differently, more easily, if we want. He is very traditional and has no interest in even sticking his head over the parapet. I don't think it's a “bad” way to live, I just think it's not the only way to live. I don't want to lie on my deathbed (hopefully 50 years from now) regretting missing out on adventure because I was caring for a man. We They want something completely different from life.
However, if I leave, it will break his and my heart. He's a good man who deserves a woman who shares his vision of life. I'm really sad that it can't be me.
Eleanor says: One day, when I was working in a call center, I called Mr. So-and-So looking for Mrs. So-and-So. “Not here. Divorced. Moved out,” said the voice on the other end of the line. I slammed my fist to my forehead at the table and apologized profusely. He was calm and laughed reassuringly: “It’s okay! A happy marriage wouldn’t end in divorce.”
I don't know if this is a universal rule, but you get what he's saying. This was already bad. That's why they got divorced. And it's not a matter of divorce.
When we think about leaving a good, loving person, it's easy to fall into paroxysms, thinking that the decision basically boils down to, “How can I justify doing this terrible thing to him?” Can I unilaterally move them from a wonderful world (loving relationship, everything is fine) to a bad world (loneliness, heartbreak)? How could I do this to such a kind person?
But the truth is that he is no longer in the good world. If he's in a relationship with someone who doesn't know if they want to be with him, his world isn't such a good place right now. Yes, separation will be very painful. He will be lonely. And he will learn the harsh truth about your relationship. But they already are reality. They may have been true for a while.
I wonder if deep down you think the same thing? Your first question was: “How can I break up with a man who loves me?” No, “Must Am I breaking up with the man who loves me?” You are not sure about your decision. But at the same time, when you think about the person he should be with, you say very clearly: “It can’t be me.” Looks like you've already made your decision.
If you want permission that hurting a good person is okay: it is. It's not really an advantage to stay here. People can tell if you are reserved in your interactions with them.. Just as you mourn the life you could have lived without him, there is the life he could have lived without you; maybe with someone who believes that romantic relationships are really important, or who loves how much they love their hometown, or who would happily go to the pub when they travel together.
But if you're really unsure, I understand that too. The thought of leaving may make you irritated, but at the same time, you know it's not just irritation. When he takes away his pubs and his hometown, he will also take away kindness and stability. Often what irritates and what one likes are two sides of the same trait; the things about him that make you feel safe may be the same things that make you feel constrained, so that when you lose one, you discover how much you value the other.
But if you've realized that you have genuine incompatibilities but aren't sure if they're “worth” the blow of leaving, I think it might help to remember that they're already true. If you're incompatible, that's why you break up. Not breaking up makes you incompatible.
*The letter has been edited for length.
