Dear Eric: I'm a 64 year old male and I have a 59 year old girlfriend who I've been dating for a couple of years. I believe that my girlfriend is constantly looking for attention from other men. For example, we went quad biking with another couple and a third man. Our ride took us through many miles of wilderness. We stopped at the bar/restaurant to use the facilities.
My girlfriend walks into a bar and stays there for a while. I stayed outside and talked to the other guys we were with. She finally comes out and admits that she was talking to a couple of guys and had a shot of whiskey “to check the market prices.” Seriously? Am I supposed to believe she couldn't just price it out?
Later that day, the two of us stopped at another bar/restaurant and had a bite to eat. After paying the check, I decided to go to the toilet. I come out of the restroom and she's nowhere to be seen, so I go outside and interrupt a conversation between her and some random guy on the deck who's drinking himself. There was an awkward pause on the part of the guy, and she blurted out: “This is his bike.” My tastes lean toward Harleys. of which I have a couple and his bike was just another cheap imitation race bike.
Then, on the way home, she tells me how her niece tried to throw a bachelorette party, including one for her, at a local bar, as if to let me know, presumably so she could say, “I told you so…”. Obviously I have problems with this, but I try to keep an open mind. You know what they say: intimacy doesn't start in the bedroom. So, I know what I think I should do, but I need an outside perspective.
– Being taken for a walk
Dear trip: Look, there may be something else going on here that I'm not seeing, but I think the point you need to take away from this gut check is not that your girlfriend is necessarily doing something inappropriate, but that you don't feel safe in the relationship. This is not a personal flaw; you are allowed to feel what you feel. But the answer may be different from what you think.
While you can end the relationship as you seem to suggest, consider talking to her first at a neutral time about the state of your relationship and what you think it may be missing. Try using “I” statements, such as “I wish I could be closer” or “I don't feel like we've been in sync lately.” Then try to state what happened and how you felt about it, without accusations. “You were talking to the guys and 'checking the market price' of whiskey and it confused me.” Ask her if she can understand where you're coming from and why it might help you feel less insecure. But also listen to her answer and see if you can understand where she's coming from.
You don't have to be okay with the way things are going, but based on the incidents you've described, she may be interested in other drinks rather than other men.
Dear Eric: I just turned 93, so I've been on Medicare for a few years now. But recently I encountered something different. My new doctor, an orthopedist, initially told me that she would only provide me with token care because she was only receiving a token fee. Then the second time she said I could pay her the difference and get the full treatment. Is this morally and legally correct?
– Do no harm
Dear, do no harm: Find someone new if you can. Perhaps this orthopedist is a poor communicator (you could say she's gagged). Or is she trying to scam you (…pulling your leg?) According to Medicare.gov, doctors can bill patients for out-of-pocket expenses if they don't agree to a Medicare assignment, so maybe that's the point she was trying to make. But good communication is the key to a successful medical relationship. As a patient, you don't have to decipher what she's saying or feel backed into a corner to get help. It is in your best interest to find someone with whom you can communicate clearly.
Contact your state's medical board to express your concerns about this treatment and get clarity. You can also call 1-800-MEDICARE for help filing a complaint or with questions. If you need help seeing other doctors or filling prescriptions, your state or local Commission on Aging can refer you to a patient advocate who is trained to work with older adults and can navigate the Medicare system. I hope your next doctor steps up their game.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
