Getting Through a Cancer Breakup

Breakups never happen at a “good time” but things end middle cancer diagnosis maybe just take the cake. Some statistics: women six times more likely end up separating or getting divorced if they are diagnosed with cancer (compared to male partners). Other article a study of 2,701 different marriages found that only the onset of the wife's illness was associated with a higher risk of divorce. These numbers point to a troubling trend: When women need their partners the most, cracks begin to form.

In particular, with a cancerous rupture, patients must fight both an incredible physical and emotional battle. Grief is twofold, and the healing process often feels particularly difficult. Going through a breakup in the middle of treatment is not an easy task, but it is not impossible. To shed light on the toughest moments, the positives, and the lessons learned, we spoke to three survivors who have experienced cancer breakups themselves.

Breakups

Three months before Margaret RyanAfter the breakup, doctors feared that the breast cancer had spread to the brain and spinal cord. Fortunately, this turned out to be a lie. But it was at this point that Ryan's partner began expressing concerns about the “longevity” of their relationship. “He wanted to get married, have kids, move to the suburbs, but he felt like my stage four breast cancer was stopping him from doing that,” Ryan told POPSUGAR. “To put it simply, he broke up with me because I have stage 4 breast cancer.”

This sudden switch is something Emily Aubrey may refer to. Shortly after undergoing a bone marrow transplant for leukemia in October 2021, she caught her boyfriend messaging one of her close friends, offering to come over and even asking for explicit photos. “Betrayal was much more painful than cancer,” Aubrey says. “I just would never even think of doing that to someone.”

Zee Valentina describes her breakup as more of a mutual decision, but it wasn't easy either. She split from her partner of 11 years just a month after she was diagnosed with stage 4 Hodgkin's lymphoma. “Going through chemotherapy at the same time, I really couldn't cope with the added stress,” she says. “I had to quickly accept it for what it was because I had [bigger] a battle to focus on, and it was my battle against my body.”

Immediate consequences

At first, the pain and betrayal of dealing with cancer left each woman with unanswered questions. “How could someone who told me she loved me unconditionally put conditions on our love?” Ryan found himself asking. “Didn’t he think that’s what I wanted in life too? Didn’t he think it was hard for me?” to me — the one who survived breast cancer? Valentina says her heartbreak has left her empty and numb.[With] All my health problems were happening in parallel, and I felt like I had really hit rock bottom.”

A week after the breakup, Aubrey visited a palliative care doctor. “I was just devastated. He said, 'We should talk about taking antidepressants,' because I was so upset and hurt.” It wasn't that she was left completely without support – her friends and family were still there for her. Everything was just different now. “It wasn't like talking every second to someone who cared…or I thought I cared,” Aubrey explains. “I was literally [at] the lowest point of my entire life.”

Healing Process

The grief of ending a relationship with cancer can be overwhelming, especially in the early stages. But these survivors will be the first to tell you that healing is possible. In fact, Valentina believes that being forced to sit with her grief might actually help in the long run. “It's a really tough situation. [because] With all the medical issues coming at once, you can't get too distracted,” she says. “We are forced to face everything at once.”

For Aubrey, antidepressants played a big role in helping her cope with the stress of a breakup and her battle with cancer. “At the time, I thought I still had cancer,” she says. “Discovering that I was in remission was a big turning point.” However, she says emotional healing was more difficult than physical healing, and working on both things at the same time was difficult and uncomfortable.

Ryan agrees that her cancer breakup felt “cruel and unfair.” But as she continued to heal, she also began to learn from it. “If someone isn't going to support you through the worst moments of your life, they probably don't deserve you at any other time,” Ryan says. “I think the breakup really made me realize my self-worth and what I deserve.”

Reflection

After the breakup, Aubrey remembers her friends reassuring her that things would “get better” over time. “The moment I [was] like, “I want to kill you,” she laughs. “But you know, that's how it is. People are right. It gets easier.” However, Ryan reminds people that no matter how painful a breakup is, your health should always come first. “You and your health [the] priority number one. Anyone who doesn’t support it and doesn’t make it a priority is not worthy of your love,” she says.

Valentina advises those facing similar situations to grieve for the future you thought you would have. Healing is not linear and it is normal to experience mixed emotions. “If someone can't accept all of you—including your medical history or your cancer journey—then they're not the one for you,” she says. “It takes a lot of strength to get through cancer and a breakup at the same time, and you have to dig deeper than ever. But you will do it.”

Chandler Plant (she/her) is a social producer and staff writer for the health and fitness department at Popsugar. She has over five years of experience in the industry, having previously worked as an assistant editor at People magazine, social media manager at Millie magazine and a contributor at Bustle Digital Group. She earned a degree in magazine journalism from Syracuse University and lives in Los Angeles.