Family caregiving can be a gift, but it takes support : NPR

At 43, Davita Brown made a life-changing turn.

She took a leave of absence from her secure government job, sifted through her possessions, dealt with her financial responsibilities and, in 2016, enlisted in the Peace Corps. She said volunteering in Eswatini was “amazing,” so much so that she planned to extend her time overseas in a paid position with the Peace Corps after her service ended.

She didn't know she was about to take another turn.

In 2018, her mother Joan Kane suffered a brain stem stroke. Brown hurried home to Baltimore, preparing to say goodbye. Instead, her mother recovered, but with a bleak prognosis.

“So I became her confidant,” Brown says, and she remained by Kane's side during rehabilitation and nursing care. Eventually, concerns about the quality of her mother's care led Brown to quit her job, take her mother home and care for her full-time herself.

A huge number of today's 65-year-olds—more than two thirds — As they age, they are more likely to need some kind of long-term care, be it home care, assisted living, or a nursing home. These services may easily cost more every year than what average american does.

And health insurers—both public and private—may not provide the coverage you need.

This forces many people to rely on unpaid family carers to provide care AARP is valued at $600 billion. in 2021. That's over half a trillion dollars worth of work done by people like Davita Brown.

As a family, the Browns make child care financially feasible through a variety of insurance coverage, including Medicare, supplemental insurance and her mom's pension. And she's debt-free because of the work she did to prepare to join the Peace Corps. “I haven’t had a stable income for almost 10 years,” Brown says. “I haven’t paid my pension. But I don’t need anything.”

“It's a gift”

Brown the house is warm and cozy, just like herself. The brick row house is tastefully furnished with significant family artifacts and photographs, immaculately clean without making it feel sterile.

On the day of our visit, Brown had just returned from taking her father, Bill Lee Brown, to physical therapy. She cares about him too. Although Bill and Joan are not a couple, he moved into the house in 2024 after complications from his multiple myeloma diagnosis made it difficult for him to live alone.

So while her mom is upstairs, her dad is downstairs. Along with them, taking countless flights of stairs a day, Davita Brown holds it all together. Writing prescriptions, preparing meals, making appointments, and calling for help when more than one person can handle it. Childcare was a role she didn't expect, but one she threw herself into.

In 2021, Brown founded a community of fellow caregivers called The Binti Circle. The name comes from the Swahili word for daughter.

“I started Binti because it was the community I needed but didn’t have,” she says. They meet monthly and host tours and events with the goal of making a difference in caregivers' lives, reducing stress and promoting safety in the community.

This way, Brown says, “you'll have more of the skills and tools you need to give the gift of care, because being able to care for your parents is a gift, even if it's difficult.”

She says it was especially important for her to focus on Black daughters in caregiving roles. “My daughter sticks together,” Brown says, even in difficult situations. “Looking at the fragility of your parent, experiencing the grief of losing a parent you knew…that your mom doesn’t know you.”

She adds, “And you know what makes it even harder are those daughters who are caring for parents who weren't their parents.” In the Binti Circle, she has brought together “a community of daughters who understand and empathize without judgment.”

One of Binti and Brown's core values ​​is the importance of respite for caregivers.

“You know, most people think of self-care as nails, hair and massage,” she says. Brown does all of this, but self-care also includes regular doctor visits and therapy, as well as simpler things. “It’s breathing, sometimes I just lie in bed and breathe. And in my prayers, I always set the tone before I get out of bed.”

And as positive and motivated as Brown is, she sometimes feels overwhelmed.

“I was disgusted yesterday,” she says. “So I got up and found…a yoga workout to lift my spirits.” She also created a little sanctuary at home—an outdoor deck furnished with thrifted and upcycled finds, succulents, and a fire pit. She calls this place her oasis.

“You're responsible for people,” Brown says, so “if you're bad, they're bad. That’s why I work really hard to take care of myself.”