The holidays are all about relaxing, relaxing, and eating your weight in reindeer cookies. Your fitness goals can wait until the new year. But if you're trapped in a house where someone just said “well, actually” for the third time in ten minutes, and you need to escape to your old bedroom before you say something you'll regret—here's a quick (and quiet) bodyweight workout you can do while surrounded by your school trophies.
Circuit training
These are my favorite exercises for beginners to effectively blow off steam. Hope you have a place next to your single bed.
Tactical push-ups with a closed door (10-15 reps)
These are classic push-ups, but you listen carefully to the steps. Will someone come and ask why you ran away from the living room? This adds an element of anxious anticipation that really engages your core. Make adjustments on your knees if necessary.
Squats out of spite (20 reps)
Do a few deep squats, mentally composing the perfect rebuttal that you will never say. Feel the burn in your quadriceps and your restraint. Make sure you push your hips back until your thighs are parallel to the floor, trying to keep your knees bent at a 90-degree angle and in line with your toes. Bonus points if you can do it quietly enough that no one downstairs will hear the creaking floorboards.
Frustration Lunges (10 per leg)
Jump off the bed onto the old dresser (the one that's still covered in stickers, right?). Consider each attack as a point in an argument that you nobly choose not to voice. You don't avoid conflict; you become a bigger person. And strengthen your buttocks!
Remember: When you lunge, keep your front knee over your ankle, not over your toes. Keep your torso upright and core tight.
Diplomatic bar (30-60 seconds)
Keep it up by reflecting on how you became the most emotionally mature person in your family. It's harder than it seems, both physically and existentially. If you need to fall to your knees after 20 seconds, that's okay—you're still doing better than the conversation below. My main tip for keeping your body in a straight line is to engage your glutes more than you think.
What are your thoughts so far?
Passive-aggressive climbers (30 seconds)
Fast, quiet climbers that allow you to blow off steam without making enough noise to alert anyone that you're angry—leave the family gathering. Imagine running away from a discussion, but in place, silently, on the floor of your childhood.
Peacemaker Glute Bridges (15-20 reps)
Lie on your back (hey, you're already thinking about taking a nap anyway), straighten your legs and lift your hips. Every bridge is your rise above the drama. You are literally elevating yourself. Metaphorically and gluteal.
Zen bicycle crunches (20 total)
Finish with bicycle crunches, imagining that you are pedaling to get away from this whole situation. Alternately move your elbow to the opposite knee and find the center.
Cool down
Sit on the edge of your too-small bed, breathing deeply, feeling like a virtuous exercise and only slightly guilty for abandoning your family. Check your phone. Consider going back down. Hear a raised voice mention “fake news,” “snowflake,” or whatever it is today. Do another round.
