DEAR ABBY: Parents seem to put family members ahead of single son

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Dear Abby: I'm 40, I'm single, I have no children and no girlfriend. Over the years, it became increasingly difficult for me to get my parents to come over to my house for dinner. They live just 45 minutes away. Both are retired and healthy. Anyone who knows me can tell you that my house is always clean, smells good, and I love to cook.

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Abby, it's a miracle and a miracle when they finally agree on a date and time for a visit. I invite them to dinner at least three times a week (because they say no the first or second time) and it takes months before they actually say yes. It seems like they just don't have the desire and it's a shame. I talked to them about it, but it didn't lead to anything.

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Two weeks ago they finally agreed to come in a month or two. I was happy and excited, but at noon they canceled the meeting. They seem to have no problem picking up one or both of my nieces once or twice a week, going to yoga, going to concerts or holidays, coming into town twice a week, going on a trip, etc. It feels like I'm expected to come to their house and if I refuse it's always, “Oh, why?”

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I've been a black sheep for 25 years and I wonder if I was married and had kids, would Mom and Dad come around like they do with my brother and sister-in-law? What's your advice? — HOME ALONE IN NEW YORK

DEAR HOME ALONE: If your parents follow the travel schedule you described, they are living a full and fulfilling life. It may be wiser for you (in their opinion) to come to them. I sensed some sibling rivalry in your letter. Since you can't force other adults to change their behavior, it may make sense for you to change the way you think about family dynamics, if possible.

Dear Abby: I'm 19. My father's mother has never been a grandmother in my life. No healthy relationships ever developed. My father says it's her fault, but she implies that the fault lies with my mother. Dad's mother bears virtually no responsibility for the situation.

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Recently I accidentally called her by her name and my aunt (Dad's sister) thought it was disrespectful. How can I politely let her know that I was not being disrespectful because there is NO RELATIONSHIP? I don't think anyone sees it from my point of view. There is an overwhelming belief that I need to forgive and forget because technically she is my grandmother. I don't share this feeling. Any thoughts? — TECHNICALLY A GRANDDAUGHTER

DEAR GRAND DAUGHTER: You are not obligated to forgive and forget a grandmother who never tried to start a relationship with you. However, to maintain peace in the family, you MUST treat a woman with respect. One way to do this is to use her honorific and call her “grandmother.”

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jean Phillips, and was founded by her mother Pauline Phillips. Contact dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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