DEAR ABBY: Early arrival sets off a silent feud

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Dear Abby: Our adult daughter has children whom we adore. She asked if we could help by watching them for a few hours every now and then, and we jumped at it. We did this regularly until the newest addition was delivered (three months ago) and the kids sometimes spent the night. With the new addition, she wanted us to come to her house and watch them, and that was fine too – anything to ease her anxiety about leaving the baby.

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On our first visit, she asked us not to arrive early to give her time to prepare. The second time we arrived 10 minutes earlier. I didn't realize we were early. I'm usually a little late. When she opened the door (her hand was still on the door), she said, “I thought I asked you not to come early.” I handed her the food we had brought for the older kids, as well as some of her things, and walked back because she announced that she would just call their dad to leave work early. I kissed her on the cheek, said, “I love you,” and told the kids I loved them. Her hand never left the door.

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We've talked about it since then, but she says she didn't do anything wrong. Now she's turning on me, saying I look “out of my mind” and asking if I've been going through anything. Even though I was early, I don't really understand why it mattered so much. Since then, she hasn't asked us to watch them anymore, and when I invited them over, she said they had plans. Please advise? — PUNISHED IN NORTH CAROLINA

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DEAR PUNISHED: It's interesting that your daughter asks if you've “experienced something” because the opposite could be true. Your daughter may be dealing with emotional issues, hormonal imbalances, or having trouble coping with the new baby. If you need a translator to give you some insight into the sudden change in routine, I suggest reaching out to your brother-in-law.

Dear Abby: Several years ago, my husband and I were invited to the wedding of a close friend’s daughter. We stayed two nights at our destination and gave the newlyweds a cash gift of $300. On the evening of the wedding, when I went to put my gift in the card and gift box, the large wooden box was no longer there. The bartender said the couple had already taken it to their room, but he would take the envelope and make sure they got it. I gave it to him.

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Six months later, I still hadn't received a thank you note, so I asked my friend if the couple had received my gift. I told her I was concerned because it was cash and I gave it to the bartender. She asked her daughter, who asked her to tell me, “We understand.” Since then, my friendship with this friend seems to have become very distant. Tell me, was I wrong? — MYSTERY IN NEW YORK

DEAR MYSTERIES: You're right. Given the strange circumstances, you did the right thing by asking if the money had been received. However, your friend may have interpreted your question as criticism of her daughter because, after six months, you have not received acknowledgment of your generous gift.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jean Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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