Dear Eric: Should I tell a colleague that many of her colleagues criticize her as selfish and self-centered? She got married a year ago but didn't go on her honeymoon then because the couple, both in their 40s, had just returned from a two-week stay in Europe.
Now they've decided they want to have their “dream honeymoon” at a luxury resort. To pay for it, they set up an account on a crowdfunding website for the newlyweds and are telling everyone that they would like us all to contribute. She wants it to include airfare, rental car, optional travel, resort fees and cash, starting at $75.
A year ago, I gave her a nice wedding gift, like many of our colleagues. We are paid modestly as teachers, and a trip to South America is well beyond our budget.
She made it clear that she was disappointed that we were “stingy” and that was why she was far from her goal.
Behind her back, people criticize her for her ignorance and bad manners, both for asking us to pay for her delayed honeymoon and for not being more generous.
I don't want to tell her anything (or give her money). But I'm afraid that if I don't tell her, no one will, and she won't have any idea why she's at risk of losing her friends.
Would it be kind to say something? And if so, what should I say? Or should I take the easy way out and remain silent?
– Comrade teacher
Dear Teacher: Oh my god, was there a sale at the Audacity store? I wonder where some people get this. It's perfectly fine to give people the opportunity to give gifts and show love, but it's inappropriate and rude to criticize people for not spending money, especially when the gift has already been given. Wedding fundraising pages are not invoices that demand payment under threat of credit ruin.
Crap.
While it would have been kind to tell her that others were annoyed by her request, I can't help but wonder how helpful that would have been, given that she had neither insight nor common sense on her roster. Instead of taking on the burden of reporting the group's negative feelings, consider simply talking to them about how you feel. If you decide you want to save this relationship, tell her you're happy for her, but you'll hate it if you're called stingy for not giving her a second gift. I hope as a friend she can listen and change her attitude.
Dear Readers: On September 10, Lonely But Not Lonely asked for advice on how to connect. She was a retired, self-described single woman who realized that most of her social connections were tied to work. Many of you have responded with fantastic, creative suggestions that are sure to be helpful to anyone of any age looking for community. I've attached a few below.
- “Look at the list of charities you already contribute to. Some may offer volunteering where you can find people who share your interests. Working with other volunteers has started many new friendships (ages 40 to 90) and taken me in unexpected directions, for example, who knew that helping to rescue animals could lead to me becoming a fellow British reader secrets?”
- “There is an incredible network of women's clubs dedicated to community service in America that began in the late 19th century. Even small communities like mine (population 320) have a thriving and very active club. The national organization, based in Washington, D.C., is called the General Federation of Women's Clubs (gfwc.org).”
- “I've been involved in local theater for decades, and I can tell you that you can meet a number of people from different age groups and make friendships that will last for years to come. Beyond acting, there is a huge amount of behind-the-scenes work that requires volunteers, from costumes to prop assembly, from set building to program development.”
- “Go where the music is playing, attend county events in parks, attend ongoing festivals and attend some sporting events at restaurants, sports bars and arenas.”
- “Lifelong learning organizations exist in 124 college and university locations and are called OSHER Lifelong Learning Institutes.”
- “Find out if your local library has a Friends of the Library group, or start one if there isn't. Many libraries also have Maker Spaces and classes.”
- “I posted a note on our Nextdoor website to see if there were any other women over 60 who might want to get together for lunch, etc. from time to time. I received 56 positive responses! We met in two groups at a restaurant, and the group soon expanded to include a weekly breakfast and a weekly happy hour at local restaurants.”
- “Picking up trash seems disgusting, but it's a great way to get to know your neighbors.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
:quality(85):upscale()/2025/10/17/658/n/49352476/1c0561cc68f2573e347737.59275655_.jpg?w=150&resize=150,150&ssl=1 "Jessica Andrews’s Holiday Gift Ideas")
