Late at night, and you stew all day throughout the day what your partner did Joy you. Time to solve this now, because, as everyone knows, you should never go to bed, right?
Although this is generally accepted wisdom, many experts on relationships say that adhere to such a rule is counterproductive. This may even harm relations.
“This is completely wrong,” said Samantha Whiten, a clinical psychologist in Maryland. “All that does this is to make sure that people are fighting when they are tired.”
Instead, couples can study the habits that help them Rest With an increase in relations in the long run.
It is clear that Waiten said to want to discuss the problem before allowing her to go through, but it is unrealistic to expect that conflicts will quickly and with love to grow before falling asleep.
“It sounds good,” she said. “It's like a fairy tale, although.”
Some sources attribute the origin of the phrase in the book to the Ephesians of the New Testament. Translations differ, but this is some version: “To be angry, but do not sin; Do not let the sun insist on your anger. ”
The problem is that couples should not fight when they are “emotionally broken,” Waiten said. She referred to the abbreviation HALT, a general reminder of the therapy that people should avoid serious discussions when Hungry, evil, lonely or tiredMany people also drink alcohol at night, which does not help create a calm environment.
“They are more likely to say and do things impulsively that they can regret it,” she said.
Discussion of problems at night may seem the most simple, because it is when your partner is most affordable, said Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist in New York.
But it is better to admit that something needs to be discussed, a pause and set the time to return to him, she said. This may mean lunch or coffee together the next day, or Any time you are in no hurry From the door.
The key must execute.
“This speaks of the skill to believe that your partner will really return to this thing that is really important to you,” said Romanoff, adding that most couples should practice this.
It is also about understanding your partner and sympathy for what each of you needs. According to Romanof, when one partner needs space, another person must not interpret this space as a refusal.
Whiteen said that many couples in her practice have at least one person who feels that he could not sleep until he solves a fight. This is often a sign anxiety And discomfort with uncertainty.
“People must individually find out how they can regulate themselves and tell themselves that everything is in order,” she said. “The idea of self -provisions is really key.”
The opposite – avoidance – no better. Many people may need a place to process the argument, but they are obliged to return later to their partner in order to solve this topic.
The goal is that both people feel quite safe to recognize disagreements, remember that their relationship is more important than one argument, and agree to talk about this later, Witen said. “When people can learn to do this, it is really transformative.”
Romanoff suggested that couples set regular checks. They do not need to talk about the worst problems in their life at the moment, but they should get used to small gestures of communication.
According to her, I even regularly ask how the day of your partner has been creating a kind of forest of emotional security. This creates a space to solve problems.
When the problem arises, use the statements of “I”, be clear in what you need and try to create a plan of how the other person can deliver, she said. A request delivered at the corresponding time will often be received better.
“Time is all when it comes to communication,” she said.
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Stumm writes about health, food and travel. Find your job in https://www.albertstumm.comField
