Beware, reader, because by unwrapping and devouring this advent post, you'll exceed your daily bite limit, add a few paragraphs to your waistline, and forever delay the onset of your hot girl summer. However, this is a thinner post, about 400 words. If you've ditched the fatty intros this week and are comfortable swapping things out to suit your inventory, you might be able to justify snacking.
What video game would make you think about the carbohydrate content in an article about video games? It can only be… Consume me!
Edwin: If you are looking Baby steps diet simulations, 1) your tastes are very specific and I'd like to see you lag 2) give Consume Me a spin. It's an incredibly inventive and fun RPG with a heart, or rather stomach, of darkness. You're a girl who wants to lose a few pounds while juggling other adult responsibilities like doing laundry, walking the dogs, romancing her hot neighbor, appeasing her hellish mommy, and keeping her makeup in check before the big party.
To complete these tasks, you plunge your hands and teeth into a wonderful smorgasbord of mini-games – yes, I dare you to use the usually editor-banned word “buffet” in this context. Stuffing a bacon tetronymo into a clunky mesh, dragging your character's Chistring limbs while training, clicking rhythmically, rocking yourself and your ridiculous Pomeranian along the sidewalk… It's WarioWare if Wario needs to lower his cholesterol, but it's also thematically and formally coherent despite all the absurdity. The presentation is a Flash animation of someone's child's crayon drawing of a really neat DS pet game.
It's fast-paced, colorful and a really great video game comedy with snort-inducing sound effects. You'll play very few games that have the sense of timing that Consume Me does. However, the humor is laced with self-loathing, so maybe think twice about playing this game if you have trouble looking at yourself in the mirror. Although you may find the character's struggles cathartic if you have issues with body shame. By the way, you are a beautiful person. Fatphobes can eat toothpaste.
Be also prepared for a possible twist stemming from Consume Me's autobiographical origins, which may surprise and perhaps confuse you given the game's overall countercultural feel. I don’t think this spoils anything, although I would like to write about it in more detail. But most of all, I'd like more of you to play it so we can promote mini-game-based RPGs more. Distractions? Harumph and pah-pah! Consume Me is proof that these scattered bits can be used to create a meal in better ways.
Julian: To any readers concerned about Edwin's blatant use of a banned word, please know that this is not a sign of weakening standards. As Graham did before me, and Catherine before him, anyone who uses the word “buffet” or any other prohibited word such as “intuitive”, “very unique” or “hoplite” should be punished accordingly. For his sins, Edwin was sent to a buffet table where he would be forced to sample a smorgasbord of buffets.
