Dear Eric: The short version I caught my ex-wife in bed with someone when I was 26 years old. At that time I had 2, 4- and 6-year-old children. Two boys and one girl. I entered into a second marriage at the age of 30, and I am now 64 years old. I just found out that in testing DNA three children are not my children. All of them have different dads. My former entered into re -marriage and has two children from two other dads.
My first concern is my children, they will always be my children for me and are incredible, but I am very worried about the fact that this influenced them in a different way. Given what was said, they all said that I was their father.
At heart I have a terrible time with this. An hour does not work that I do not think about all this, and when I see which of the six grandchildren, I constantly think that they are not connected with me with blood, which, unfortunately, bothers me. But I also care about them all deeply. How can I handle it?
– dad
Dear Dad: I am going to start with what I tell you what you know, but perhaps I try my best with all my might: blood relations are not something that determines the family. Of course, he can set the wheels in motion, but the family is built and supported on the connections that you have, the love that you feel for each other, the story that combines you together, and the ways that you appear in each other's life. You raised these children into adult life, you were next to them, you love them – they are your children.
Moreover, they affirmed you as their father. This is so significant. This is not just a gesture to be good; These are your children tell you what they want, and should feel whole in this world. And they say that they need that you, their dad, to continue to be their father.
Think about it as part of your trip through paternity. Of course, this is not what you would choose for yourself, but this discovery gave you the opportunity to be intentionally in being a parent and grandmother. And this gives your children the same opportunity. Perhaps you were not part of their concept, but you are their family of origin, and you are their family of choice.
Dear Eric: My boyfriend and I have been together for years. We are both “mature” adults. My problem is that whenever we are next to other women, my boyfriend locks his eyes to a woman and looks at her seductively, sometimes rubbing her back, hugging her, sometimes kissing her and paying her unrequited attention to her.
It doesn’t matter whether the women of his friends, neighbors, new acquaintances are women, and he even makes his “seductive look”, doing business with women. Women like this, and usually it becomes “mutual seduction.”
I am almost sure that he had sex with some of these women, married or lonely. When his “seductive/flirts” begin, they ignore me, humiliate, embarrassed and completely do not respect both sides.
I'm not saying anything while this happens before my eyes. I don't want to make a scene. I am afraid to go with him any meetings because of his seductive parishes to other women. However, in private, I ran into a lover about his “performance”. He is lying, he says that I am crazy, and that this has never happened. In addition to this problem, we get along very well. What do you advise?
– Lady of the boy lover
Dear lady: It sounds deeply unhealthy, not to mention the inappropriate. Other people at these meetings or in these professional situations do not see this? Something does not add up.
You write this, besides this, you are getting very well, but this is a fairly large “this”, and I suspect that it destabilizes all your relationships.
Two tips: first, this behavior bothers you, and it is advisable to separate yourself from him if your boyfriend refuses to stop or admit that this is happening. This can mean a pause for your relationship and physically divide yourself until it is decided through counseling or conversation.
Secondly, talk with friends with whom you trust what is happening. Ask them if they see the same thing that you see. These displays are so publicly available that they should be able to confirm that what you see is true, and support you in distance from this. If they have a different prospect, these conversations are a safer, less charged space to check what you think and see. I do not want to give you the impression that I do not believe you – I do not know what is happening, and I accept your letter as a fact. But when we receive insufficiently confirming information about our experience, it is useful to cope with those we trust.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas in [email protected] or PO BOX 22474, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 19110. Follow him Instagram and subscribe to his weekly information ballot in rericthomas.com.)
