Birthday Dinner Meal Paying Etiquette

Think quickly: you've been invited to a birthday dinner – are you going to pay for the food yourself? The question of who should pay the bills when there's a birthday on the table has never had a clear answer, although there are a lot of opinions on social networks.

TikToker Tinx, for example, believes that if the guest of honor chooses a restaurant to celebrate at, he should expect to cover the bill for his invitees. “If I invite a group of people somewhere to celebrate me, it makes me happy because I organized it and I invite them to come,” said podcast host and content creator said in last year's video. Others strongly disagreed, arguing that a person celebrating his big day would never have to break out his wallet, even to eat.

Etiquette expert Thomas P. Farley believes the debate surrounding this issue stems from the fact that there are many different ways to communicate. birthday celebration“Everyone has their own protocol when it comes to who takes charge,” he says.

What are these different scenarios and how can you have a fun holiday without worrying about hurting your guests' feelings (or breaking their wallets)? Let's dig in.

Experts featured in this article

Thomas P. Farley aka Mr MannersEtiquette expert and keynote speaker.

Daniel Post Senning is the great-great-grandson of Emily Post and co-author of the bookEtiquette Emily Post“

Scenario 1: Your birthday, your score

Elena Murzello, a 43-year-old woman from Vancouver, Canada, adheres to the Tinks rule: if you plan and invite, you must cover the costs. Among the festive events, she plans intimate dinners and big celebrations. For her biggest celebration, her 30th birthday party, she rented out the Vancouver Aquarium, hired a DJ and treated 80 guests to dessert.

Murzello says paying for her own celebrations is important to her because she recognizes the additional costs that can arise when someone says “yes” to an event. “Ubers can be expensive, and so can babysitting. This year, the couple extended their stay in the city, so they paid for an extra night at the hotel. If a guest wants to bring me a gift—which is never expected—that can work out too,” she says. “I want everyone to enjoy their time and not worry about it being expensive to come.”

The key to easing her guests' stress is to be upfront about what the party will entail and what costs guests will be responsible for if they attend. “I put what I'm talking about on the invitation, like dumplings on me, drinks on yours,” says Murzello, who sends out those details in a text message to her guests a week before the event.

According to etiquette experts, Murzello's approach is almost always correct. “If I invite you to dinner at my home, I don't ask you to pay for groceries,” says etiquette expert Daniel Post Senning. “If I extended a specific invitation to a specific event, I would expect to receive an invoice.”

Farley agrees: Once you've chosen the venue and made all the arrangements, “it's much more typical and appropriate for the birthday person to foot the bill for the occasion,” he says. To make it clear to your guests that this will be the case, he suggests including the following wording in the invitation: “Please come as my guest to my birthday celebration on [a specific] location.”

CarminaThe 30-year-old presenter and blogger says she appreciates it when expectations about guest spending are made transparent from the start. “My friends have always been open about what is covered and what is not, so I'm not surprised by unexpected expenses,” she says. “For example, it is clearly stated that I have to pay for everything I order at the restaurant, or if the party is being organized, I should just show up.”

“If something is unclear, I don’t hesitate to ask.”

For example, at an upcoming party, her friend said she would order food for the guests, but asked everyone to bring their own drinks and snacks. They then added the data to a common table to avoid duplication. “If something is unclear, I won’t hesitate to ask,” La Carmina says.

Scenario 2: You are the guest of honor, not the host

In some friend groups, splitting the bill and covering the guest of honor is a given. Bella Graham, a 30-year-old woman from Beverly Hills, California, says that when attending a single friend's birthday dinner, she and her friends always pay for their own dinners and split the birthday girl's bill. “I would never let a friend pay for dinner on her birthday,” she says.

Graham says she also never paid for her birthday dinner. “I don't explicitly ask for it, but because of the norms and general expectations among my friend group, it always works out that way,” she says. “Either my girlfriends will split my bill, or my girlfriend will cover my bill.”

However, she brings “little gifts” to give to friends at her birthday celebration. “I became known for handing out long-stem roses and handmade thank-you cards,” Graham says. “I also usually bring a cake and a bottle of my favorite champagne and just pay the corkage fee. The most rewarding aspect of my birthday is that those I love and respect come to see me sincerely.”

Graham admits that this “what goes around comes around” approach only works because it's understood and accepted by her closest friends – and the drama definitely happened during birthday dinners thrown by people outside her main social circle. “When you're having lunch with people you don't know, it's hard to control the outcome,” she says. “I was once invited to a birthday dinner where the guests were expected to split the bill and pay for the birthday girl's dinner – which was fine with me – but an argument broke out when several guests objected.”

Senning admits that sometimes you just don't have the budget to cover the bills for yourself and everyone you want to celebrate with, even if you wanted to. To avoid an awkward fight like the one Graham experienced when the bill comes, it's wise to set these expectations up front. “Under no circumstances should the birthday person give a surprise bill to their friends,” says Farley.

Instead, Farley suggests you include the cost of the event when you invite your friends to make it clear that there is a cost to attend. For example, you could say, “Would anyone be interested in skydiving next month? It's my birthday and I thought this would be a fun way to celebrate the big occasion. Tickets are $300 each. I know it's a little pricey, but if you're willing to join in, it would be great to experience it with as many of you as possible.”

Or Senning suggests taking a more collaborative approach to planning your celebration. You could send out a group message or email saying, “I’d like to organize an opportunity for all of us to get together—anyone have any ideas? I was thinking about this and that. What do people think about this? When you allow the planning process to be a discussion, your guests have the opportunity to share any budget, location or time constraints they may have.

Check, please

For both host and guest, knowing how to properly navigate birthday dinner bill etiquette can be stressful. This is why, ultimately, it would benefit everyone to communicate and be as clear about their expectations as possible. “As awkward as these situations can be, they can usually be cleared up—and upset feelings can be avoided—with good communication and planning before the party,” Farley says.

If you're unsure whether you should contribute, Senning suggests making a “very traditional etiquette” move: asking directly when you're RSVPing. “These conversations can feel difficult because we have reasonable expectations of privacy in matters such as finances and family,” Senning says. “But it is also true that it is important to have these discussions in an open, frank, honest and frank manner… If you would like to go but are not sure if you can [afford to]It’s okay to say that.”

And remember: If you're an invitee, it's up to you whether you choose to attend, Farley says. “No guest should go into debt because their pride won't allow them to admit that their chosen destination is too expensive for them,” he says.

Ultimately, it's important to remember what a birthday dinner actually is. “It’s a party—it’s supposed to be fun,” Murzello says. “Don't feel the need to cover something or overextend your budget because you're worried about what it's going to look like on any given day or night. It's not worth the stress.”

Maressa Brown journalist, writer and astrologer. Her areas of expertise include writing, reporting and editing lifestyle, pop culture and parenting content that is both conversational and informative in nature. In addition to her work at Popsugar, she writes for a variety of consumer-facing publications, including InStyle, Parents and Uniform, and was previously an editor at Cosmopolitan and CafeMom.