Bedtime squabbles worse for couples than daytime disputes

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The late, great comedian Phyllis Diller said, “Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.”

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While many couples tend to do this, recent evidence has shown that it may be a bad idea—not only for your relationship, but also for health reasons.

Arguments before bed can disrupt couples' sleep cycles, which can lead to increased levels of stress hormones, not to mention its effects the next day.

Most adults have a bed partner, and nearly 90% of couples share a bed at least occasionally, according to research. Amerisleep.com. So if you split 24 hours in a day, you'll spend eight (hopefully) hours with that person, which is a pretty significant portion of a couple's time together.

Given that the relationship dynamics between co-sleepers are linked to sleep outcomes, disrupting this could potentially lead to chaos in the bedroom.

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“Your body and brain naturally try to wind down at night by lowering your core temperature, slowing your heart rate, and releasing melatonin to prepare for rest,” said certified sleep science coach Rosie Osmun.

“When you create conflict right before bed, you're essentially counteracting that process by triggering stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, making it harder to fall asleep and reducing the quality of the rapid eye movement (REM) cycles that restore emotional balance.”

If you get into an argument late at night, the friction becomes more intense, intense, and often overwhelming.

This is not only a matter of perception, but also of biology, Osmun noted. Fatigue can reduce a person's patience level and emotional regulation, which makes couples even more likely to argue.

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Add to that the stress of unresolved conflict, and it can bring you one heck of a restless, anxious night, followed by a sleepy, grumpy morning.

Osmun said that before you go to sleep, your prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking) operates at low power. At this time, the body is trying to reduce cortisol levels, so fighting will only increase it.

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TIPS FOR PROTECTING RELATIONSHIPS

While occasional conflicts are a natural part of any relationship, Osmun says you can't choose when you have them. She offered several strategies couples can follow to not only protect their relationship, but also their precious sleep.

— Try not to bring up serious issues in the hour before bed, even setting a “cutoff time” for difficult conversations.

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— Try to call a time-out until the next day, especially if emotions are running high. Both sides will have to agree to a pause, and that may take a lot at that point.

— To quickly calm down, deep breathing or journaling can reduce cortisol levels before bed.

“Couples often underestimate the power of timing,” Osmun said.

“An argument at 10am may seem manageable, but the same issue being discussed at 10pm may seem catastrophic due to the way the body's natural rhythms work.

“Sleep isn't just about physical recovery; it's about emotional regulation. So arguing before bed essentially robs you of the very tool you need to rebuild your relationship.”

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