There is a word “gaslighting”. caught fire in the last few years. It is used during arguments with romantic partners, between family members and online. Gaslighting occurs when someone makes you question your sanity, memory, and experience, but people abuse the term to describe even standard disagreements.
However, there is a type of gaslighting that therapists desire more people will learn and talk about self-gaslighting.
“Gaslighting is when someone manipulates you into questioning your own reality, and self-gaslighting is when you do the same to yourself,” says Lauren Auer, a therapist in Peoria, Illinois. This is different from negative self-talk or harsh criticism in your head, which, although harmful, does not necessarily involve denying or distorting your own reality. “Often this is because you have internalized this disparaging voice that now plays in your head, and you become your own worst doubter,” adds Auer. “Before anyone else has a chance to invalidate you, you're already doing it to yourself.”
We asked experts why self-gaslighting happens and how to combat it.
What does self-gaslighting look like?
You can light yourself with gas in subtle ways. After an argument with your partner, you may think, “I'm overreacting” or “That's not what they meant—I'm too sensitive,” even though your feelings were hurt.
“When you set boundaries, you can tell yourself that you don't need space,” says Ashley Peña, a licensed clinical social worker and national executive director of Mission Connection, a provider of outpatient mental health services. Or perhaps you downplay a scary interaction on a date by thinking, “It wasn't that bad,” she adds, or justify your friend's unkind behavior by telling yourself, “They're just stressed.” You'll probably hear yourself say, “I'm just being dramatic.”
Read more: Gaslighting, narcissism and other psychological terms you abuse
This is more than harmless overthinking or self-reflection. This is a kind of self-denial – doubting or ignoring one's own feelings, experiences, memories or needs. However, people often get confused, Auer says. “Self-reflection is really honest, it’s like asking yourself, ‘What is my role in this? Could I have handled this differently? What can I learn here? It’s more grounded in reality,” she says. “You're not ignoring what happened or how you felt—you're trying to understand it, whereas self-gaslighting is more dismissive and immediately shuts down your experience.”
Let's say, for example, that your friend canceled plans with you at the last minute (for the third time). Self-reflection might look like this: “I'm hurt by this. Is there something I need to communicate? Have I communicated my needs clearly? Is this a healthy friendship and a good friendship for both of us?”
On the other hand, self-gaslighting sounds more like: “I shouldn't care too much. She's probably busy. I'm just needy – other people won't be bothered.”
Why is this happening
People don't intentionally carbonate themselves. It's usually a learned defense mechanism that stems from invalidating past experiences, says Jill Vance, a clinical psychologist in Chicago. Perhaps you grew up with parents who ignored your emotions, or punished you for speaking out, or taught you to value harmony over honesty. You may be fueling yourself to stay in a relationship (even an unhealthy one) by convincing yourself that red flags aren't a big deal.
“This is quite common, especially among people who have experienced relationship trauma,” Vance says. “I see this a lot in people who leave relationships with narcissists, and sometimes, in extreme cases, [partners] who are actually psychopaths. These are people who have been manipulated by others for a long time, and eventually they internalize this to the point that they begin to manipulate themselves.”
Read more: 7 things to say when someone lights you up
Regardless of what triggers your tendency to fart, the consequences can be negative. First, you are likely to experience a decrease in self-confidence and self-efficacy (belief in your ability to change your circumstances). “This can lead to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, and can also affect relationships,” says Vance. “What we see in people who light themselves is a desire for reassurance, which can be upsetting to others.”
If you are prone to self-deception, you may lack the ability to make even basic decisions, such as what to do on the weekend. Over time, doing what others tell you can lead to unhappiness and a lack of self-identity. “It really permeates every area of your life,” Auer says. “When you constantly dismiss your feelings or doubt your own perceptions, you become disconnected from your internal compass and have a hard time figuring out what you really want, what you really feel, and what you really need.”
How to stop it
Learning to stop gaslighting can be a slow and scary process, Vance admits. “Trusting yourself feels risky, especially if you've been doing it your whole life,” she says. However, it is possible to break the trend towards self-gasification. Here's how.
Call it when it happens
Overcoming self-gaslighting starts with noticing when you minimize your feelings. When you notice this happening, Peña suggests pausing and asking yourself, “How am I feeling right now?” “Therapy 101 is about learning that your body works for a reason,” she says. “You're worried for a reason—it's all to protect you. So you need to name what you're feeling and validate your experience.”
Sharpen your inspection skills
You can take steps to better validate yourself. “If something is bothering you, resist the urge to brush it off and try saying, 'You know what, this was bothering me and my feelings make sense,'” Auer says. “You don't have to explain it, you don't have to justify it, and you don't have to give reasons. Just let the fact that it bothers you be true.”
Keeping a list is also a good idea. Write down all the times you trusted your intuition and were right, suggests Auer, or when you wanted to follow your intuition but didn't. For example, you can note a time when speaking up led to something positive. “Having that concrete evidence can be very helpful,” she says.
Practice saying no—or “not now”
People who are self-obsessed are often afraid to say no because they don't think their own schedule, priorities, or feelings matter. The next time your partner asks you to take out the trash while you're focused on something else, practice being open about the fact that it's a bad time, but you'll do it when you can.
Read more: Here's how to tell if you're talking to a narcissist.
“These are small practices that build self-esteem, build courage, and realize that the world is not going to end,” Vance says. “Because often people say, 'Well, if I do something that my opinion or my faith, everyone will hate me, or something will go wrong.”
Over time, especially through work with a therapist, people can often overcome their self-gassing tendencies. Peña sees her clients talk about themselves over time as they begin to trust their emotions. “Our brains can be rewired,” she says.
